Another week of summer down, which means another week of the funniest parenting tweets! Most kids are officially out of school at this point, and summer activities are in full swing. Camps, play dates, days spent outside. We love summer, but it can be sort of exhausting. Hopefully they get it all out of their system soon and get on board with our summer bucket list: laying around all day in the AC and only getting up for more snacks. In honor of Father's Day last week, we have a special installment of funny parenting tweets, just from dads. These guys are hilarious, in ways only dads can be.
I’ve gained 30lbs since the kids. I’d like to get back down to my fighting weight so that I can fight the kids.— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) June 12, 2019
Eventually you come to the scary realization that they can and will overpower you on their quest for total world domination. If that isn't an incentive to get to the gym, we don't know what is.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) June 10, 2019
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Welcome to the joys of potty training! Where, in an effort to make your life less gross, your life gets infinitely more gross for an undetermined period of time. There's got to be a better way, guys.
My 4yo remembers in explicit detail when she was barely 2 and threw up broccoli on me but has to be reminded to say “please” every single time she asks for something.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 13, 2019
Kids' memories are like a steel trap, but they only trap the really bad stuff that you'd rather not relive in great detail several times a week. They can't seem to remember to put their dirty laundry in the hamper, but god forbid they forget that one time you beaned them in the head with the remote.
Laughing at a child’s joke is a great way to hear that exact same joke 8,000 more times.— The Dad (@thedad) June 13, 2019
You know what? In that sense, kid jokes are a lot like dad jokes! They obviously get it from somewhere, DAD.
Me: Wake up.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 13, 2019
I didn't know that was an option.
Clearly, we've been going about this all wrong for years. We didn't know you could just pass! How long have we had this pass card?! This sounds like a loophole more parents need to be exploiting on a regular basis.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) June 12, 2019
We're already getting ready for the reckoning. Come winter, when Frozen 2 comes out, we'll be thrust into our own nightmares once again, and everything will be ELSA AND ANNA AND OLAF once again. We have to say, we'd be more inclined to get on board if the movie was called "2 Frozen 2 Flurrious", too. That sounds pretty cool, honestly.
Family vacations are just day after day of your kid begging to go back to the hotel so they can swim in the pool.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 13, 2019
You could pack your vacation with all the amazing sightseeing and adventures imaginable, and all your kids will remember is that they got to swim. This is especially frustrating if you happen to have a pool at home, where your kids swim all the damn time.