Talking with young kids about grief is complex. Many of us as parents aren't really equipped to talk about it ourselves, let alone try to navigate it for our children. When Jackie Siegel, aka the "Queen of Versailles" lost her daughter Victoria to a drug overdose at the age of 18, her world stopped. But she still had other children to care for, including her young twins, Jacqueline and Jordan. The twins, who are now tweens, have co-written a book, Oliver Uncollared, that helps other kids deal with death and grief.
"They had never really experienced death before," Siegel explains, talking about the twins' reactions to their sister Victoria's death. "They had a hard time coping, so I encouraged them to write about our dog Oliver."
In the book, the Siegel family dog, Oliver, gets to a series of mishaps before the family heads to the Bahamas on vacation. First he gets into the twins' homemade slime, finding himself covered with slime and stickers. Thankfully, his youngest owners manage to get him fresh and ready for the trip. But then in a series of mishaps, the Siegel family leaves Oliver behind in their rush to the airport. In a moment very reminiscent of Home Alone (Siegel confirmed that the movie was certainly an influence), both Oliver and the family realize that he's been left behind. He proceeds to have a doggie adventure while the family's vacation is one disaster after another.
One of the coolest things about Oliver Uncollared is that it's a 'choose your own ending' book. Depending on what kind of lesson the kids want to learn, they can choose either a happy or sad ending. Naturally, the sad ending deals with loss and grief. If kids choose this ending, there is a real opportunity to talk about death and grief. It's revealed in the ending that Oliver has died and the whole story was just a dream. During our conversation, Siegel confirmed that Oliver has in fact, died, and it was a good way to honor his memory too. Death of a pet is often the first death many kids experience, so this is a good way to talk about it.
"I didn't know to cope, but I had seven remaining children and a husband who were blindsided," she explained.
In the book, the girls also honor the memory of their sister Victoria. Since they were young when she died, it was hard for them to process. Helping them navigate their grief while managing her own was hard, Siegel admitted. But she knew that her young daughters needed her, so she was able to push through and support them. In the "happy" ending, the girls make a collar for the dog they acquire on their vacation, Bella. Bella's collar is in Victoria's memory; it contains all of the things their sister loved, including sparkles.
At the end of the book, there's a resource for dealing with grief and death. It gives kids (and their parents) very helpful insights and tips into how to deal with death. "After the death of a loved one, it’s normal to feel denial, disbelief, anger, guilt, sadness, shock, and confusion. You might even feel angry with the person who died or with family members or friends," they write.
"Your grieving doesn’t end once the funeral does. It takes time and that’s okay. The amount of time it takes to grieve is different for everyone and every situation, but it could take months or years," they advise.
Another cool feature in Oliver Uncollared is the recipes. In the book, the girls make their own slime in the backyard. There's a recipe for the slime at the end of the book. If you have a slime loving kiddo, they can have a field day. You don't need the typical slime ingredients, you just need a bunch of Starburst candies, powdered sugar and cornstarch. There is also a recipe for homemade dog treats for your own pup. They also give tips on how to bedazzle your own pet collar and flip flops.
When it comes to the book, Siegel understands the importance of using the platform she and her family has to do good. After the documentary Queen of Versailles, her family gained some notoriety. She claims that her husband isn't a huge fan of the documentary, but it gave them the platform to discuss things that are important to them, like their daughter Victoria's drug addiction and overdose.
"We've saved over 1,000 lives in Orlando," she explains. The family run the Victoria Siegel Foundation, which provides education and resources for parents and others who may be dealing with a loved one suffering from drug addiction. "It's comforting to know that we are making a difference." The family has also published a book about Victoria, Victoria's Voice, that is her published diary, shining a light on teens suffering from drug addiction.
Oliver Uncollared is available for purchase on Amazon.