It can be frustrating for any parent who has a child who won’t talk to them. Parents all want close relationships with their children, and they hope that their kids will come and talk to them in their time of need. Being the parent of a teenager is no easy task, and families are all doing the best that they can do at the time. Being the mother of a teen, moms are bound to deal with drama and angst, and sometimes it can feel like they are weathering a storm. There is a lot of joy and fun involved, as well, in parenting a teen.
The toughest thing that a parent can go through is having a child who doesn’t want to talk to them. It’s not that parents want to know all their personal gossip, but in order to protect a child, parents will want to know what’s going on in that child’s mind.
A parent may wonder why their teen isn’t talking to them, and there are usually reasons why. Once a parent knows why, they can work on correcting that. Check out these 20 reasons mom’s teen won’t talk to her.
If you are always in your child’s business and not giving them any space, you could be pushing your child away from you. "There are many reasons a mom might be controlling. One reason is anxiety. People with anxiety tend to think of the [least favorable] scenario and [have worries] that their life or their child's life is in danger at any given moment,” says clinical psychologist Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. But your child is unlikely to confide in you if you behave this way. It’s not a great way to create a binding relationship with your child.
The way that you parent your child has everything to do with whether they will learn to trust you. There may be a lot of reasons why a child feels they can’t trust you. While raising your children, you need to make sure that they understand that regardless of what they do, your love will never stop and that you will be there for them. That will give them the comfort to come and talk to you about things. A child who thinks that their mom’s love will end if they confess something will never talk about their problems or confess something they did.
Even when you have a strong bond with your child when they are little, that doesn’t mean that it will continue to stay that way. A teen goes through a lot of changes, and some of those changes they may think that their mom could never understand. You are their mom and your child may not think you understand what’s it like to be in their high school with the people that they are around. Maybe someone is teasing them at school, or maybe it's about a boyfriend that they are dealing with and they feel like they can’t talk to you about it.
If your daughter went out and did things with her boyfriend at a young age she may not want to tell you about the experience because she assumes you are going to be hopping mad. You probably would be because you are afraid that she might get pregnant among other things. We’re not suggesting that you can’t ever be mad at your kids or they won’t want to talk to you, but there is something to be said about always reminding our children that regardless of what they say or do, you will be there to help them along the path of life.
You may have noticed that there were some changes in your daughter and you started snooping around her room. You read her journal and read something that you don’t like so you confront your daughter about it. Regardless of whether you don’t like what you read, you have now lost her trust. Once trust is gone, it is less likely that your daughter will trust you to tell you things going on in her life. She will think that you aren’t someone that should be involved in her personal life. You need to talk to her and try to build that trust back.
Sometimes it can be hard to stand back and watch the things that are going on in our children’s lives. If our child is being bothered by another classmate, we can’t help but want to show up to the high school and give the kid a piece of our mind. But that can be counterintuitive because that’s not going to make it easier on your child. If your child thinks that you might do something like that, he’s not going to want to tell you because he’s scared you will embarrass him. If you are worried about your child’s safety, instead go to the principal or even the authorities.
You might think that hiding your past is best for your child because you don’t want them to know about some of the things you did when you were young. But acting as if you are the perfect person isn’t going to make your kids want to talk to you. They may think you won’t understand or worse that they will be punished for something they did. It’s always best to be honest about your past because if anything you can teach your kids why doing that stuff was wrong. Use your mistakes to guide your children in a better direction.
You can’t force your kids to talk to you, so using your power as a parent is going to push them further away. Don’t corner your kids and try to make them talk to you. It has to be natural. "Another reason a mom may be controlling is if she has power issues. She may have grown up in a home where she felt out of control or powerless. Her feelings may not have been respected or she may not have had a voice in [her] home. If she hasn't done the work to get over this, she will continue fighting this power struggle throughout her whole life," says Schewitz.
If your son is not talking to you, it might be because you are a girl and he is not. He may be thinking about girls and all that comes with that and he finds it embarrassing to talk to his mother about that. If you are married, leave that stuff up to dad and don’t worry about the fact that he may not be talking to you. At least he’s talking to someone. If you are a solo mom, then reach out to another family member that your son is close to and see if that person can get through to your son.
If you don’t have a close relationship with your child, it can be difficult to have a personal conversation. We all hope that we have bonded enough with our children growing up that they will be comfortable enough to talk to us but that isn’t always the case. Just be patient and not overbearing. That doesn’t mean you go away. Just be near them, if he is reading, then sit and read near him. If he’s playing a video game then offer to play a two-person game with him. Just be present without pushing things and make small talk. It will make all the difference in the world.
Sometimes we can forget that our kids are going through things in their teens. They are a bundle of new hormones and we need to remember to acknowledge those feelings. You can tell your kids that their feelings are silly and then expect them to come talk to you about them. Kids don’t want their mom to start running their life. Sometimes just saying something like this can help: “I am so sorry you are sad” – or – “I know you are really angry. And you don’t want to talk but I want you to know I love you. And I’m here if you need me. And I am on your side.”
Being too strict can backfire on you. Sure, you are just trying to protect your children from the world, but it also may make your child feel like they can’t tell you something because you are going to be disappointed in them. "Who you hang out with, who you date, should only be your mom's business if invited. Your mom should not automatically be a part of these interactions. If this is happening 'against your will' she may be too controlling," says clinical psychologist and host of the relationship show The Web, Joshua Klapow.
Teens deal with judgment every day, it’s called high school. So, what they don’t need is for mom to judge them as well. One Cbn User told about a situation she had with her daughter, 'You look like [distasteful] when you dress like that.” The mother defended her comment by saying, “They were only words. My daughter knows I didn't mean it. Beside she shouldn't be wearing clothes like that.” Words like that are costly and it’s unlikely that her daughter would ever come to her and talk to her because now she feels judged.
If you find that every time your teen tries to talk to you, it ends up in a heated argument, you might as well forget about him coming to talk to you. It’s not uncommon for family members to disagree and argue especially when dealing with teens. One Bustle user stated that she fought with her parents almost every day. “At least when we [argue], I don't have to let them get close to me,” she says. Ouch. Now that’s a real problem and one that a parent would want to get a handle on before she never talks to her again.
This is how arguments can happen, and it usually has a lot to do with a parent recognizing themselves in the child. A parent with an attitude is going to raise a daughter with the same type of attitude. It could even be because both mother and daughter are known to be stubborn people and it can be hard to resolve conflicts because of that. Reducing conflict as quickly as possible is the first step to making your child feel comfortable with talking to with you.
It can be hard to just listen to your children, especially if you are hearing that they are upset and hurt, but sometimes all your children want is for you to listen to them. If you have a history of not listening, then they won’t come to you. By not listening, you may miss the real issue while you are trying to fix the situation. Sometimes your teen will test you and share just enough to get a reaction out of you. If you jump to lecturing your child, then you can bet you won’t hear from them again when they are upset about something.
Maybe your child did used to talk to you and now they aren’t. It could just be that they are going through a phase and you need to wait it out. Your child may simply be looking for some independence in their life. He might just not want your help right now. It feels like it may be forever but it’s not going to be. If he talked to you before, he will likely come back to you when he really needs to. Have faith that he will and just wait it out. Patiently.
If you have never tried talking to your child before, then you can hardly expect them to just come to you and talk. It’s always best to have communication open at all times. So, what do you do now? Try talking to your child in the car whether it’s while you are running errands or as you are driving home from school. According to one mommy site, “The best talks I have ever had with my teens have been while I’m behind the wheel. I don’t know if it’s the comfort of speaking without direct eye contact or the fact that the kids trust that I won’t hit a tree if they drop a bombshell, but the car is our place for total honesty.”
This is the time when you need to keep your emotions and feelings in check. If your child is telling you something, you need to keep your feelings out of it. If you let your feelings take over, then you have totally forgotten your teen’s feelings. Unfortunately, parents don’t get many chances to make their children feel safe to disclose their feelings, so don’t take it for granted. If you lose a kid’s trust, you have to work to get it back so that they will come to you in the future.
You may think that your child is keeping things from you because they have an attitude, but that might not be the case. Kids brains work differently, and what seems like nothing to us is the end of the world to them. “Their emotions are in technicolor, and it activates their urge to take risks. It’s good for parents to know this is to be expected. Don’t make fun of them for overreacting. If you were to look at your child’s brain, it’s as if they actually feel an international incident is happening,” says Yalda T. Uhls, child psychologist and author of Media Moms & Digital Dads.