It's almost Halloween, and everyone is preparing. For many adults, that means getting our houses ready for trick-or-treaters. No one aspires to be the house that gives out bad candy. But one person on the internet has taken their need to give out the best candy a little too far. This resident in Rancho Cucamonga, California penned a rant about Halloween candy that is so absurd it's gone viral. Seriously, it's the funniest thing you will read today.
The rant was shared by the Twitter account Best of Next Door. The person's name is obviously blurred out, but after reading it, you can make your own assumptions.
"Dum Dums, Smarties, and Jolly Ranchers maybe suitable for Ontario, Fontana, and even Montclair... but NOT here in Rancho Cucamonga!"— Best of Nextdoor (@bestofnextdoor) October 3, 2019
WE 👏 ARE 👏 AN 👏 AFFLUENT 👏 NEIGHBORHOOD 👏 AND 👏 OUR 👏 HALLOWEEN 👏 CANDY 👏 SHOULD 👏 REFLECT 👏 THAT 👏 pic.twitter.com/qk7WzCxGMB
After reminding their neighbors that Halloween is a few weeks away, they get down to brass tacks. "I was hoping to catch you call before you make your candy selections," they say. And you know something good is about to happen.
"Over the last three Halloweens, I've noticed candy stock has become more and more diluted with cheap candy," they say. Wow, they really don't beat around the bush with that one. But when they say "cheap" candy, they don't mean things like off-brand chocolate, Necco wafers or circus peanuts. No, they mean things like "Dum Dums, Smarties, and Jolly Ranchers." We didn't realize those were cheap candies either.
"Guess what! Grandma Karen's Nextdoor password is my birthday. Let's post something..."— Nick Mittenzwei 🧢 (@CrookedNumbers) October 3, 2019
"I don't know if this trend is the result of higher bills or even new constructions, but cheap candy has somehow infiltrated our community and it has to stop," they said.
You'd think that was it wouldn't you? Oh no, they were just getting started. No one and no candy is safe from this person, who Twitter has nicknamed "Candy Karen."
Apparently, the candy standard has everything to do with where they live. "We are an affluent neighborhood and this status should be reflected in our candy provisions for Halloween," they said. We didn't realize that zip codes were also candy codes, but you learn something new every day.
According to this post, only full or king size candy bars are acceptable for giving out. But! If someone already purchased fun size candy bars, they wouldn't need to return them. Whew. "Just keep in mind that 4-6 of those fun-size bars equate to a standard bar when you doll out that candy to trick or treaters," they claim. What now? "And please, for God's sake, leave those Peep candies alone. No one, I mean NO ONE, wants those terrible marshmallow tragedies."
We'll give them that. Not too many people like Peeps actually.
Obviously, Twitter is having a field day with this post. "The person writing this is three children in a trenchcoat that has named itself Karen," one user commented. We wouldn't be surprised.
Clearly, we've all been doing Halloween wrong.