Losing a child is a traumatic experience for both a mother and father and there are a number of ways people often choose to help remember the child that was lost too soon. Tattoos are popular ways to remember a child lost through miscarriage, with parents often choosing a sweet graphic or meaningful text as a way of honoring their child.
One expectant father has ruffled more than a few feathers when he asked for advice with regards to his wife getting a tattoo in honor of a child she lost to miscarriage. In the popular AITA (Am I the A**Hole) forum on Reddit, one expectant father wanted to know if it was unreasonable for him to ask that his wife not include the child she lost with her previous partner in a tattoo honoring their children together.
"When talking about it the other day, she said she wants to do names+birthdates, but that she would put the name of the kid she previously miscarried and the date of the miscarriage above our child’s. The miscarriage happened six years ago before I met her with an ex," he wrote. "I’m not trying to be the guy whose upset because his wife had a life before him, but I feel weird about her putting the name her and her ex gave the miscarried child on the same level as our child, in a tattoo."
The poster then doubled down on his opinion writing, "I know she thinks of the miscarried child as as much her child as ours, but to me it’s different bc that child never lived, and our kid won’t ever meet that kid." He wrote that he was fine if his wife got a different tattoo to honor her lost child, but didn't think it should be part of the tattoo dedicated to 'their' children. He concluded his post writing, "I feel like it was OK for me ask her to reconsider. It just makes me uncomfortable and feel like she hasn’t moved on, which is all I told her. So AITA?"
While there were a lot of differing opinions on the question, the general consensus was that the poster was an a**hole.
"YTA. It's a tattoo on her body and she clearly considers the miscarried pregnancy to be her child," wrote one commenter. "Miscarriage is really rough, especially for a wanted pregnancy. That's her child as far as she's concerned and she has the right to tattoo the name onto herself, same as with your living child. Try to be more sensitive to what she is going through--she miscarried and is now having a child, that's going to bring up a lot of emotions."
"YTA her miscarried child is as real as the one she is carrying and it's really insensitive of you to make her feel otherwise. Do you think if the miscarried child had been yours you would feel differently?" wrote another. Others felt the issue was deeper than the poster let on. "YTA. You are focused on the ex for some reason, when the actual reason your wife wants this tattoo is to commemorate her lost child. It has nothing to do with the ex. Let her grieve in her own way."
Still, there were some who sided with the poster in this situation. "Ehh I'm gonna go with NTA," wrote one person. "Simply because when the kids are older they are gonna start asking questions and your gonna have to tell them it was a miscarriage from your wife's ex. And by putting that name above your kids it could cause some resentment to both your wife and the lost child, your children could take it to heart and start thinking things along the lines of "were only a replacement for _____" and that's never a good thing. While I'm all for remembering a child that was lost putting them above the children you have now can only lead to bad things."
"Whilst I can empathize with the pain of the miscarriage, she's literally not honoring a person, she's honoring the miscarriage, which feels a bit weird. The difference between doing the tattoo for a baby that's actually been born and a miscarriage is exactly that, the birth," wrote another.
Do you think it's ok to for the poster to ask his wife to reconsider her tattoo plans?
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