October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and it's such an important topic for women and families all over the world. Having a miscarriage and losing a baby is a tragic, life-altering experience for millions of women, but it's something that bonds so many of us together.
Unfortunately, it's also an experience that many women suffer through in silence. There still exists a stigma around pregnancy and infant loss, a perceived shame that forces women to process and grieve these losses in private. One out of every four pregnancies ends in miscarriage, yet it's still something that we as a society consider a "private" matter. Because of our unwillingness to talk openly and honestly about pregnancy and infant loss, so many women and families suffer in silence.
Yes, it's an uncomfortable topic, but we can't allow our discomfort to cloud our ability to support women through this painful part of the pregnancy process.
In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, Moms.com spoke with Dr. Jessica Zucker about her campaign to remove the stigma surrounding pregnancy and infant loss, and change the conversation around painful, yet inevitable, part of pregnancy.
Dr. Zucker is a clinical psychologist and writer living in Los Angeles, California, and she's the creator of the #IHadAMiscarriage campaign. In her clinical practice, she specializes in women's reproductive and mental health. A background in public health and time spent working in places like Nepal, Africa, India, Israel, and the Netherlands have given Dr. Zucker a unique perspective on pregnancy, loss, and rituals surrounding grief.
But a devastating second trimester miscarriage changed the course of her work and passion. Dr. Zucker's loss, and the subsequent mourning and grieving process, gave her firsthand knowledge of the ways our culture is failing women and families during their difficult journey. With the #IHadAMiscarriage campaign, Dr. Zucker hopes to change the way we manage the silence, stigma, and shame associated with pregnancy loss.
After an easy pregnancy and delivery with their first child, Dr. Zucker and her husband decided to grow their family once again. She became pregnant easily the second time around, but began to spot at around 16 weeks. An exam at her doctor's office didn't reveal any problems, but just two days later, the spotting increased and Dr. Zucker began having contractions.
On Thursday, October 11, 2012, her baby girl was born at home. "The trauma of this experience - having to cut the cord myself (coached over the phone by my doctor), subsequently hemorrhaging and needing to get myself and the baby to my doctor's office immediately - changed everything", says Dr. Zucker. She experienced complications following the premature delivery, including traumatic blood loss and an unmedicated D&C, which contributed to her unfathomable grief.
Following the loss of her daughter at 16 weeks, Dr. Zucker became interested in research that showed a majority of women experienced feelings of shame and guilt following a miscarriage. Patients had shared their own feelings of shame with her in her practice, but after losing her daughter, Dr. Zucker became more and more incensed by the data.
She wondered, "Why do women feel so alone, isolated, and badly about themselves when the science clearly states that pregnancy loss is not a fault of their own? Approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies result in loss and a majority of these are due to chromosomal abnormalities. If this many pregnancies end, why would women feel inclined to think they did something wrong, rather than viewing this as a natural (albeit incredibly sad) part of the pregnancy process?" This conundrum inspired Dr. Zucker to write an essay about her experience for The New York Times, and was the catalyst for launching her incredibly important campaign.
Every October, the #IHadAMiscarriage campaign focuses on a different aspect of loss that Dr. Zucker feels needs to be explored. This month, she is focusing on rites and rituals that honor pregnancy and infant loss, and the lack of standardized rites and rituals in our culture.
Through a series of videos and photos, Dr. Zucker hopes to share the stories of women from all over who've experienced pregnancy and infant loss, to move away from the silence and into a culture of openness.
More than anything, Dr. Zucker wants women to understand that we are part of a global community, and that we are not alone, especially in our times of grief and pain.
"The culture of silence has indeed shifted", says Dr. Zucker. "However, what we continue to lack is a kind of apparatus, a framework: ways to meaningfully honor or memorialize or ritualize our losses in concrete ways." This year, in connection with Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, Dr. Zucker interviewed women who've suffered losses, and asked them how they would feel if we as a culture replaced silence with storytelling. The campaign also partnered with artist and poet Skin on Sundays on a powerful photo collection showing women with their own stories written on their bodies. The results are absolutely breathtaking.
PREVIOUSLY: 10 Ways To Be A Friend To Someone Who Had A Miscarriage
When it comes to mourning the loss of life, our culture has rituals in place to help and support the bereaved. We provide assistance with day-to-day matters, we bring food, we send flowers and hold hands through the darkest hours. "But when it comes to the loss an imagined family," says Dr. Zucker, "there’s nothing tangible that we can turn to, no standardized rituals to rely on amidst the mourning process. There isn't anything in place that honors the would-be mother that creates healing or facilitates closure. I continue to yearn for ritual and this is in part why this year I attempted to create it for the women who participated in my campaign and for myself."
We asked Dr. Zucker how we can do better, for ourselves and for our friends and loved ones who're navigating life after pregnancy and infant loss. Her sentiments were eye-opening, and so incredibly profound. Dr. Zucker says, "I think the tide is really beginning to change. The more we share our stories of heartache and hope, the sooner we normalize the pain of grief. With this shift in our cultural narrative, we begin to witness women feeling connected rather than isolated during these life-changing experiences. This is the goal. Death is part of life and the more readily we integrate these concepts, the better off we are at conversing about them and doing right by each other. There is no shame in loss and without secrecy, shame continues to get pulled back. Shame will eventually get disbanded if we keep at these efforts long enough."
She encourages us to remain open and willing to listen to someone working through their pain and grief, and just being there as a sounding board for the myriad feelings that will surface in the weeks and months and years following a loss. Grief is very much like a tide, and we have to remember that even once the waves recede for us, they will continue to come crashing in for those who experienced the loss.
We want to thank Dr. Jessica Zucker for giving us the chance to share her story and work on such an important matter. You can see more videos on the #IHadAMiscarriage channel on YouTube, shot by videographer Jaki Covington. You can also find more stunning images for the campaign, shot by the incredibly talented Rebecca Coursey, at Skin on Sundays.