Babies rule - they just do. Whether it's their loud cry or their sweet little baby faces, there is something about their being that turns grown-ups into mushy, soft, weak puddles of goo. These mini-humans don't even have to lift a chubby fist to make it happen; it just does.
But there are some special babies out there, remarkable infants who take the regular order as it was once known, and line it up so everything now revolves around them. TV schedules, meal times, volume levels, sleeping rules - anything and everything is determined by this baby's presence. He has it all figured out, this above-and-beyond infant, and he wields the authority of a great and powerful household wizard.
His parents don't even realize; he's that good. His mom and dad move about in their world, thinking they're in control, while at the same time bending over backward like hyper-flexible Olympic gymnasts to ensure little Mr. Cutie isn't unhappy.
Ever. At All.
Not even a little bit.
Whether it be carrying the munchkin 24/7, making the house quieter than a library during nap time, or simply handing over every thing the baby has ever wanted as soon as he belches out a whine, Baby Boy has his parents impeccably trained. He has thrown the art of negotiation out the window, instead relying solely on the magic of his cuteness and the ear-splitting sound of his meltdown cry.
This kid is amazing, super chill, and the coolest of cool. His parents could brag all day long about how amazing their sweet boy is…until they put him down.
If he’s asleep in their arms, the second they set him down he is wide awake and crying. If he’s smiling on their lap, a transfer to the floor will result in instant frowning and whining. Even if the champ is cooing and being his best baby self, putting him down will cause him to morph into a squawking, sobbing mess.
Give this kid credit, though. He knows what he wants and will accept nothing less. Get ready for this overachiever, because there is no quarter for this child.
The sleep “experts” all have their theories on how to get baby to bed. The experts don’t matter to this little guy, though, because he wants his rock-rock. Period. He thinks it’s adorable that Dr. So-and-so thinks it’s best to put him in his crib when he’s still awake so he can learn, but he’s not playing that game.
He likes the gentle rocking of the chair, slowly jostling him into his dreams while he nestles in warm arms, and he will settle for no less.
If Dr. So-and-so wants to come and pry him out of his mommy’s arms, he’s welcome to give it a shot. Until then, Baby will be getting rocked to sleep.
Wet wipes are just that – wet. This little fella isn’t exactly a fan of the damp moisture on his backside as it is, so don’t even think about adding cold to that list of uncomfortable adjectives.
Sure, you can try. You can grab a wet wipe straight out of the plastic container and commence diaper clean-up, but you won’t like the results. Whether it’s 3 pm or 3 am, he will cry at a pitch and volume level so ear-splitting that you will wish you didn’t have ears.
Do it, Karen. He dares you.
Ah, this kid is the king. If he doesn’t rule the house, no one does. He knows at a young age just how important his sleep is to his parents’ happiness, and he takes sweet, sweet advantage.
Why be interrupted by things like talking, TV, barking dogs and garbage disposals when you can have relaxing quiet, instead? He set the tone early on his babyhood, squalling like an unhappy pterodactyl when awakened, just to let them know how uncomfortable they will be if it ever happens again.
Since then he’s been enjoying the silence of the naps, snuggling into his blankie while the rest of the house whispers and army crawls until doze time is over.
Mr. Man has a journal. He’s got a journal filled with hundreds of entries that annotate his bodily functions, behaviors, sleeping schedules and food consumption. Technically his mother fills it out for him, but they both know it is his.
He wants it all on the record.
Every time he does something monumental, he thinks Mark that down, ma. If he giggles – mark it. Spits up – mark it. Has a massive diaper blowout – oh, yeah, mama, make sure you get that one. Wow, right?
Thankfully he’s got a mom who is all over it, chronicling his every baby minute like a court stenographer.
Not only does he have sensitive skin, but he only likes certain things on his bum. Store brand, off-label diapers do not work for this lad, regardless of the number of rating stars they might have earned on the parenting websites.
What’s the difference, you ask? Well, he could break-out with a rash, or he could literally break out of the diaper. As in, that generic piece of stuffing-filled plastic cannot hold what this kid has to share with the world.
His bodily functions are just as unpredictable as his skin, so it’s best to just let this guy have the good stuff.
It’s all about timing for this babe. Whether you feed him first so he isn’t hungry or the kid seems totally uninterested in food and you think you’re in the clear, the minute you attempt to get anything edible in your body, he wants to eat.
It happens when you want to quickly jam a cupcake into your mouth, and it happens when you’ve painstakingly prepared a four-course dinner that you can’t wait to sit down and savor. This kid smells your culinary joy, waits until it’s THIS close to fruition, and then he snatches it with a wail.
The kid’s a mama’s boy. Not to say he’s wimpy, but just that he loves his mommy. Like, a lot. So much so, in fact, that he spends his days creating ways to spend even more time with her.
The very first time he rolled onto his tummy, he realized his advantage. As she praised him for being such a big boy and lovingly moved him back onto to his back, he was recognizing that his right arm was key. His right arm was wedged right underneath his baby body, making it difficult to flip back over.
It was then that the plan was formulated. #sorrynotsorry
It’s not that he’s trying to be difficult, but more so that he just gets bored easily.
The swing is relaxing, but how long can he be expected to just dangle there, swinging to and fro like some kind of non-candy-filled human piñata? He keeps waiting for the blindfolded partygoer to show up.
And don’t even get him started on the exersaucer. When you go to the gym, are you expected to do squats non-stop for endless amounts of time while being ignored? Samesies for him, mom.
The bouncer is boring and makes him sleepy, which is why he wants mom again. And...so the circle starts over.
This guy will put up with a lot. He’s a reasonable sort, after all. But don’t you dare think you’re just going to lay him on a blanket in the middle of the living room floor. Are you kidding him with that? He knows his worth, and it hovers somewhere around not on the floor, thank you very much.
He knows you want to use your hands and arms to do things, and he sympathizes with your difficulties. Really, he does.
That doesn’t change the fact, however, that he will cry incessantly if you do it.
Don't even think about it, Sharon.
This is the kid. The one. The masterful tyke whose needs have created things like midnight drive-arounds, baby seats on top of washing machines and the classic mom-bouncing-like-she’s-walking-on-the-moon move.
It isn’t that he doesn’t like stillness, it’s just that he likes motion more. It soothes. It relaxes. It entertains way more than the sedentary world ever does.
Why would he want to sit, unmoving, when he can be all-jostled, all-the-time? He doesn't think he's being unreasonable here. Really, he's confident that if you could be bounced on someone's hip all day, you totally would.
Now get movin,' ma.
It’s your time. The baby is settled and quiet, happily relaxed in his infantile babyhood, so now you can maybe get something done. You’re way behind on your latest project and you need to get rolling, so now is the time, right?
Because as soon as you hit the power button and your laptop starts humming to life, he is aware. That sound, and the sight of that machine, somehow triggers an awareness, an immediate need for your unwavering attention. You won’t even make it to the login screen before you’re holding that kid and trying to one-finger type your password.
This kid will accept nothing short of perfection, AKA his mommy. He loves that lifegiving woman so much that he’s beside himself the second she’s out of his line of sight.
Don’t give him that grandma nonsense. Nana is a nice lady, don’t get him wrong, but she isn’t mama. And Dad is a cool cat, but come on with that. Is he mother? No, he most definitely is not, so don't even try the handoff. Besides, that guy's got a freakishly deep voice that sometimes just works on baby boy's last nerve.
Bottom line: Little dude wants his mom 24/7, 365 days a year; why is that so hard for everyone to understand?
This baby has a refined palate. That is, if refined means no tolerance whatsoever for pureed baby food. Period. You can play that adorable airplane game with the spoon and he will eat it up, but he will not eat up that unpalatable mash you think to serve him. That airplane hangar mouth of his will be slamming shut upon the flight's arrival, so you might want to just turn that jet around.
Because the kid wants what you have. He doesn't care that he has no teeth; he will take a large slice of pepperoni pizza, heavy on the right now. It's not his job to handle the logistics of eating, the whole chewing and swallowing game - nope.
It's just his job to let you know what he wants. And right now, he wants your ribeye.
Jeans aren't comfortable on his baby legs. Jersey onesies are good, but the straight-up cotton onesies are not. He has standards, mother dear, and compromise would make him feel like less of a baby man.
Because this bro is like the future Michael Kors. He is unwilling to put pedestrian fabrics on his body; not even open for discussion. He likes the luxe fabrics that feel good against his skin, and he has no intention of apologizing for this.
He laughs at the other infants, rolling around in their lesser materials and scratchy sleepers. Do they even know how ridiculous they are for settling?
What is his parents' problem, anyway? He is crying and whining, yet they aren't fetching what he wants. The same can be said for his grandparents, his daycare provider and the cashier at Target who is just looking at him while standing right next to that amazing shiny balloon that he needs to lick.
Do they expect him to point or gesture and give them some sort of a clue? Well, guess what? Not happening. Those people need to be smart enough to anticipate his every want, and if they can't manage that, they're going to get an earful.
If you walk down the baby bottle aisle at the store, there are a plethora of options. This kid spits on all of them; all of them except one. He has one that he likes, and that is the end of the story. Period. Done and done.
If you happen to lose said bottle at 1 am, none of those jenky bottles that were gifted to you at that long-forgotten shower will suffice. Neither will he accept the bottle that you desperately procured at the open-all-night gas station. He would rather eat nothing than eat it through your wonky, not-the-right-one bottle.
Get it right or face the consequences.
His older sister quietly colors. Until...he decides he wants that delicious-looking crayon. He reaches out and whines. He waves both arms - his signature gimme move - and breaks into a full-out cry. He cranks the volume coming out of his mouth until...bingo.
Mom says, "Honey, can he see that crayon?"
"But mom, I'm using it."
Baby cries even louder as the sister continues coloring.
"Just let him see the crayon." Mother appears agitated. Baby is pleased when she adds, "You've got seven other colors you can use."
The baby smiles as the crayon is presented to him like a major award. #winning
His older sister swears that her parents never gave in to whining. She definitely remembers a firm parenting style that doled-out timeouts the second a bad behavior was displayed.
His older brother recalls the same thing. He has a distinct memory of his father's stern face and unwavering countenance when he'd been foolish enough to cry when he didn't get his way.
And grandma just laughs, because the kids are absolutely correct. Those parents have softened into parental puddles of goo with this baby. She's going to enjoy watching the fallout. Buckle up.
Food, drink, toys, car keys, that soft and fuzzy thing that definitely isn't a toy; he gets it all. With a smile and a coo, he is showered with rewards. And with a squeal and a cry, he is handed the keys to the veritable castle.
It's hard for this baby to think of anything he's wanted in his short life that those two chumps who created him haven't handed over. He's grateful, though; he's not some sort of rude animal, after all. If he could say thanks, he definitely would.
Now how to get that shiny keychain that's sitting on the counter? Think, baby. Think. #goals
His parents are not oblivious to their weakness. They know that they give in too much, and they know that he rules the house. They roll their eyes at themselves as they let the kid have everything he waves a sticky fist at.
But the thing is, he's just so darn cute. I mean, just look at him! Is he not the most adorable baby that has ever been created? That little nose, that stubborn chin, those perfect little eyes - who could ever say no to that?
They're going to get tougher. They are. Just as soon as he gets less perfect.
Sources: Popsugar, Parents.com, Netflix.com, YouTube, Los Angeles Times, Hollywood Reporter.