Adjusting to my husband’s family was not as easy as I thought it would be. My mother-in-law (MIL) brought up my husband and his siblings singlehandedly, and this largely contributed to the great relationship he has with her. Three years into our marriage, I was still struggling to find my place in my husband’s home.
Right from the start, my MIL was a bummer to be around. She was extremely negative and found fault with everything I did. We did not hit it off the right way, because she thought I was too young and overly ambitious. That prevented me from discussing my dreams and ambitions around her. Moreover, she felt that I was not the right person for her last-born son.
After the wedding, my husband and I moved to a different state to build our life together, away from my MIL’s critiques. She had a way of making me feel inadequate, particularly when she compared me to my husband’s ex. To some extent, I felt alienated to the point of not having any relationship with her by the end of the first year of my marriage to her son.
There are no manuals on how to be the perfect anything; therefore, I stopped expecting my MIL to be just as perfect as I had imagined her to be. When I became pregnant with my first child, she was not very supportive. She wanted to be a part of my son’s life, but she wanted to do it her way.
She openly criticized my parenting skills one time during family dinner when she said that I spent too much time around my then 8-month old, instead of taking care of my body. I felt embarrassed by her remark, given that I was still breast-feeding, and I was not ready to leave the baby with anyone else except the father.
In addition, she would criticize me whenever she came to visit, and she was full of very old-school parenting advise. She'd give unsolicited advice on how to make my baby sleep better and how I could satisfy him. Sometimes I would let the unkind comments about me slip as I waited for her visit to end. Other times, I would continually defend my decisions as I rolled with the punches.
That was my first baby! I had to admit that I wanted him to receive care in a certain way, and the thought of someone else, my MIL, in this case, caring for him differently made me anxious. I found her to be out of line for making the comments that she made. I also felt that I might have been too sensitive and overprotective over my child.
By the time my son was three, I had become a much more relaxed parent, as well as my MIL's role and relationship with my son. At the back of my mind, I knew that she had good intentions and that my son would be safe with her when I was not with him. I was pregnant with my second child, and my MIL enjoyed coming over to babysit.
Our attitudes toward each other gradually changed when we understood that our feelings were not personal against or toward each other. While she was trying to find comfort in her new role as MIL, I was trying to have confidence as both a wife and a new mom. That realization minimized defensiveness on both our parts, which helped to create some space for a better relationship. Furthermore, I valued her relationship with my son, who was quite fond of her.
My MIL was thrilled and delighted to welcome a second grandchild into the world. She was very supportive during my pregnancy, and she always looked for ways she could help. One thing I am very grateful to her was her help in caring for my son during times when the pregnancy was overwhelming.
My MIL did not tell me that she loved me, but her accompanying me to the doctor's appointments was a clear indication that she was there for me, and it was a step in the right direction concerning our relationship.
Years later, she thanks me for loving her son and for making her a grandmother, and surprisingly, I would not think of anyone else I would rather have as a mother-in-law.