Children are not born to hate. When one parent fills a child with hatred toward the other parent, the effects can be devastating. No child deserves to be stripped of a parent’s love. And no loving parent deserves to lose their child.

What Is Parental Alienation?

Parental alienation (PA) happens when one parent tries to turn the kids against the other parent for absolutely no reason other than their own gain.

It is an extremely manipulative tactic that happens over time as a calculated effort to destroy the alienated parent.

The term Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) was coined by child psychologist Richard Gardner in 1985 as “...a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child’s campaign of denigration against the parent, a campaign that has no justification. The disorder results from the combination of indoctrinations by the alienating parent and the child’s own contributions to the vilification of the alienated parent.”

Parental alienation is most often seen during divorce, because divorce provides opportunity. The children are separated from the alienated (targeted) parent, providing ample opportunity for the alienator (favored) parent to solidify their campaign to completely destroy the targeted parent.

How A Child Becomes Alienated From A Parent

You may be thinking to yourself, “Doesn’t the child know better? Can’t the child see which parent is ‘good’ and which parent is ‘bad’?”

If only it were that simple.

The alienator plays games with the child’s mind using certain strategies.

According to Amy Baker, author of Co-Parenting With A Toxic Ex, these strategies fall into five categories, including: convincing the child that the targeted parent doesn’t love them and doesn’t want them, limiting the child’s contact and communication with the targeted parent, reconstructing past events, encouraging the child to betray the targeted parent’s trust, and undermining the targeted parent’s authority.

These strategies lead to loyalty conflicts.

In the child’s mind, they love both parents equally and want to maintain a positive relationship with both. However, when one parent constantly bad mouths the other parent, forces the child to choose which parent they want to be with (rather than following a parenting agreement), gets angry when the child wants to spend time with the other parent, and undermines the other parent’s authority, it creates an internal disconnect that the child has a hard time resolving.

RELATED: Identifying A Narcissistic Partner & Dealing With Leaving

In order to resolve this loyalty conflict, the child will align with the alienating parent and reject the targeted parent.

This is not the child’s fault.

Signs of Parental Alienation

There are certain behaviors that are unique to children who experience parental alienation. If you notice these in your child, the alienation is severe:

  • Your child becomes obsessed with hating you.
  • There is no valid reason for them to reject you.
  • The alienator is “all good” while you are “all bad”.
  • Your child acts like it was their decision to reject you.
  • Your child does not feel guilty about how they treat you.
  • They support the alienator no matter what.
  • They make false accusations against you.
  • Not only do they reject you, but they reject your entire family.

There are no other abuse scenarios in which a child will react like this. Whenever possible, it is best to take action when you first notice your ex planting seeds of rejection in their minds - before they get to this point.

What Happens To Children Who Are Alienated

Parental alienation is detrimental on so many levels, one of the most obvious being that the child misses out on a beautiful relationship with the parent who truly loves them.

Parental alienation is abuse and children can suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, self-hatred, and addiction. Children internalize what is happening and they truly believe that the targeted parent doesn’t love them or want to be with them.

When alienated children are severely affected, they may lose the ability love and empathize and they may become physically or emotionally abusive toward the targeted parent.

What To Do Next

If you believe your ex is engaging in alienating behaviors, read the following books immediately so you can learn how to make the best choices for your child: Co-Parenting With A Toxic Ex by Amy Baker and Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak.

If you are in the early stages of parental alienation, start documenting everything and get your child into counseling with a therapist who understands parental alienation. If the alienation is further along, you and your child may need legal action and reunification therapy. This is often court-ordered, but proceed with caution. Parental alienation is not well-understood by the legal system.

In cases of parental alienation, absence does not make the heart grow fonder. The more absent you are from your child’s life (either by choice or by circumstance), the stronger the alienation becomes, so do your best to stay active in your child’s life - even when it feels like your child is rejecting you.

During the times that you do get to spend with your child, practice positive parenting. Remember that your child is a victim of unfathomable mind games and you must provide a safe, caring environment for them to counteract the abuse they are suffering.

Throughout all of this, don’t forget to take care of yourself. You have a long road ahead of you. Find a therapist and join support groups. Don’t try to do this alone.

Finally, find a lawyer who specializes in parental alienation and fight for your child. You’re literally the only person who can save them.

READ NEXT: How A Son Develops When He's Raised By A Narcissistic Mother

Sources: Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), National Association of Parental Alienation Specialists, Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex, AmyJLBaker.com, Children and Divorce Guide, Parental Alienation Speaks, Psychology Today, Divorce Poison, Online Support Group, Psychiatric Times