Gaslighting. The term itself comes from a 1938 play, "Gas Light" (which was turned into a movie in 1944), where a husband manipulates his wife to make her think she's actually losing her mind by denying he was hiding objects, turning down the gaslights every night, stating she was imagining things and essentially, going crazy. This is all so he can commit her to a mental institution and steal her inheritance.

Gaslighting today is a form of emotional abuse. It's an evil form of manipulation that makes the victim question everything from their thoughts to emotional validation, sanity, and self-worth. Why would anyone do this to themselves?

Related:When You Experience Gaslighting, It Affects Kids

Why Moms Might Gaslight Themselves

Gaslighting

Moms who are self-gaslighting are not doing it on purpose. According to Brit Barkholtz, a clinical therapist in Minnesota who specializes in trauma, people usually gaslight themselves because someone else did it first and got those thoughts in their head.

Other reasons moms may gaslight themselves are due to mental illness. Some mental illnesses, like eating disorders, PTSD, or severe depression, for example, can make a person question their self-worth. The lack of self-worth or self-esteem is often reinforced by routine behaviors of self-gaslighting.

How Moms Might Gaslight Themselves

Gaslight

Gaslighting can look very different from mother to mother. Most times it will look like derogatory self-talk, though.

  • Maybe I am overreacting, it wasn't that bad.
  • If I try harder, maybe they will love me more.
  • She is so lucky. That would never happen to a person like me.
  • I guess I must be wrong.
  • I really need to get over this. It's not that big of a deal.
  • I'm not good enough.
  • It's my fault.

Those are just samples, and maybe they don't sound that bad, but continuously, over time, it can do real damage. And unfortunately, in many cases, even if a mother understands how it is affecting her, she can't stop. She can't stop because she believes in it, to a certain extent.

Carol A. Lambert, MSW says, these negative feelings can contribute to anxiety, depression, low self-worth, and suicidal thoughts. When these hurtful beliefs and feelings about yourself are left unattended, you continue to be vulnerable to self-gaslighting and the coercion of a gaslighter.

Are You Gaslighting Yourself?

 Gaslight

Self-gaslighting may be unrecognizable to some mothers. Like an invisible illness of sorts. However, Grace Dowd, LCSW, a licensed psychotherapist, says there are some signs that are more noticeable. Those include, but are not limited to:

  • Dismissing or minimizing experiences. When a mother is dismissive of herself and her experiences, it may seem harmless. Harm is taking place, though. When a mother can no longer recognize her own feelings then things have gone way too far. Self-gaslighting takes place when we overly respond to our emotions with logic. For example, if someone is upset at the same time that you are upset, you brush your feelings aside and pay them no mind. Clearly, the other person would be more upset than you; they matter more than you. This happens because mothers who self-gaslight are convinced their feelings are no big deal to others.
  • You have an inner critic. Self-gaslighting can take place when moms compare themselves to other moms. She might criticize her every move, comparing herself, her experiences, and even her accomplishments to others, and constantly criticizing the way she reacts to situations.
  • What's true and what's not. If the mother has been a victim to gas-lighting, she has likely been lied to and misled into believing things that are not true. She may think it's all in her head, doubt everything and everyone, and have trouble distinguishing the truth based on her own experiences.
  • You doubt your worth. Self-worth is the ultimate sacrifice to self-gaslighting. Living in a constant state of dismissal and overcritical self-talk can cost you your self-worth. Negative self-talk can have damaging effects. Constant self-criticism and self-blame over negative events are linked to an increased risk of mental health problems.
  • Your pain is nothing in comparison to others. This mother may have gone through the most traumatic of situations, and still thinks her feelings are not valid because someone has it worse. She may never deal with her own real emotions and experiences because she doesn't think they qualify as being as bad as they really are.

Katelyn Campbell, a licensed clinical psychologist, says, additional signs that moms may be gaslighting themselves is an overall lack of trust in their own judgment, seeking excessive reassurance from others to affirm the validity of their reactions, making definitive self-assumptions, and replaying interactions in their head.

How To Recover

Gaslight

Mothers who think they are gaslighting themselves may want to consider getting therapy. Gaslighting is a very real psychological issue that can become deeply internalized. Being able to unpack your feelings and experiences to another human, and be validated, is invigorating.

Jody Michael of Jody Michael Associates, a company that specializes in executive coaching, has the following tips as well:

  • Think about how this self-gaslighting manifested itself.
  • Affirm your emotions and experiences.
  • Become self-aware.
  • Recognize that self-care is not selfish.

In the end, if a mother starts to feel the intrusive thoughts of self-gaslighting starting to emerge, she may want to stop and think about how she would respond to a friend speaking that way about herself. Most likely, nobody is going to like hearing someone they care about putting themselves down, and they would offer their support.

Sources: Brit Barkholtz, Carol A. Lambert, MSW, Grace Dowd, Katelyn Campbell, Jody Michael