Sometimes, no matter what moms do, they really can’t understand teenagers. Teens are mini-adults that are beginning to form a mind of their own. They’re already in that stage where they are already craving independence and freedom to make their own choices. And on top of that, it also doesn’t help that parents forget that their teens are not kids anymore, too. Hence, the clashes start and the huge conflicts enrage at home.
Luckily, all hope is not lost. If you’re having difficulties connecting with your teenager during a big misunderstanding, here are some ways how to resolve the conflict.
Give Them Space
Giving the teen some space would help them learn how to pull the brakes when they’re mad, and avoid saying things they shouldn’t in the heat of an argument. It allows them to put a name on their feelings. It also helps them reflect on what they’re feeling and why they’re feeling that way.
One important thing to note is that as a parent, you should always remember to handle mom-teen conflicts the way you handle misunderstandings with an adult. So, during a fight, it’s just as important to give your teen some space the same way that you demand a pause when arguing with your husband or a friend. So, let your teen air out their negative emotions. If the conflict leads to crying, let them sit alone in their room to process their emotions. And when both of you have calmed down and ready, that’s when you invite them to talk.
Always Hear Them Out
Another important reminder is to always think that your teens are smarter than you think. And, just because you’re the parent doesn’t mean you’re always right. So, you have to consider the points your teen raises during an argument because sometimes, you make mistakes and they know better. So, do not forget to be open-minded. Hear them out and consider their feelings. Do not decide to shut your ears off just because you don’t agree with your teen. Let them be heard, too. Through this, they can feel that despite conflicts, the mutual love and respect between you and them are always present.
Raising Children Australia gives a few tips when handling conflicts with teens. First, they advise trying to put yourself in their shoes. Try to look back at your teenage years to be able to relate to them. Remember when you wanted to do an activity so much with your friends so you can belong? Or when you wanted to spend the Saturday night on a date instead of finishing your homework? Your teen is bound to experience those, too! So, be flexible.
Sit Down, Apologize & Talk
Once both of you have wiped off your tears and calmed down, that’s when you talk. Visit your teen in their room to talk. Apologize for being angry and resentful, and say sorry that you’ve said inappropriate things that have hurt their feelings. Focus On The Family also reminds parents that not apologizing to your kids for all the hurtful things you’ve said can actually cause long-lasting damage to your child’s self-esteem even as they grow into adults.
When you’re talking to your child, always remember to let them finish talking before you explain what you think. Stay calm and make eye contact. Try to understand your teen’s emotions. And when it’s already your turn to speak, be open about what you’re feeling too. Explain your point of view without imposing it on your child. And if possible, you can negotiate with your child to compromise. This would help them understand how to meet people halfway and negotiate on what they want, too.
Do Not Try To Control Them
After a misunderstanding, it might be a bit awkward to be around each other. Your child may take a while to let the negative feelings go, and you might still carry around your frustration. If this happens, always remind yourself that no matter what happens, you’re family. And, as a parent, it is your job to nurture them to be their own person, not control them.
If your child persists in having their way, despite your best efforts, do not try to control them. Always remind yourself to be patient, hear them out, and always have a conversation with them. Because chances are, if you’re too controlling, your child might try to avoid conflict by sneaking or lying to you. As a result, they’d be too emotionally isolated/ And of course, you wouldn’t want that, right?
When To Seek Counselling
If you or your child shows signs of abuse and violence, it may be time for the both of you to seek therapy to be able to handle conflicts. An experienced therapist can help you and your teen unpack all your suppressed emotions and help the both of you communicate in a healthy, empowering way.
Boulder Psychological Services also advises that a family therapist can help the whole family create mutual agreements that can help break out of power struggles. And through counseling, you and your child can defuse any patterns of conflicts so you can avoid recurring misunderstandings, create boundaries, and talk about your feelings in an effective way.
Sources: Raising Children Australia, Focus On The Family, Boulder Psychological Services