Co-parenting in and of it itself can be tumultuous. When you add Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) to the situation, it brings it to a whole new level. PTSD is not just for soldiers. In fact, it has been around since we have evolved as a species.
According to The US Department of Veterans Affairs in 1980, PTSD was added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-III) By the American Psychiatric Association (APA). What made it different was that it was in reference to trauma happening around the individual versus something happening within the individual.
How To Co-Parent When Both You & Your Ex Have Strong Head-Butting Beliefs
Possible Causes Of PTSD From An Ex
Reasons someone may be suffering from PTSD from an ex vary from person to person and relationship to relationship. One thing always remains the same, however, if someone is hurting, they are hurting, and nobody has the right to take that from them or give them a timeline of their grief.
- Verbal or Emotional Abuse: A form of domestic violence.
Examples of this would include a wide range of erratic behaviors where a person uses words and actions to intimidate, manipulate, and gain full control over another human being. They may use things like name-calling, insulting, lying about the person, and making them feel worthless, all in an effort to isolate them.
- Physical Abuse: A form of domestic violence.
Examples of this include hitting, kicking, burning, hair pulling, suffocating, or strangling. Being thrown against a wall, purposefully pushing, or tripping so the person hurts themselves is also physical abuse.
- Sexual Abuse: A form of domestic violence.
Examples would be forcing another person to partake in sexual acts against their will or forcing sexual acts upon them.
Setting Up A Parenting Plan With Your Abusive Ex
Before doing anything, parents need to go to court. According to Central Arkansas Group Counseling Parents are typically ordered to co-parent regardless of domestic violence between them. While there are situations where this may be overwritten, the courts like to keep both parents involved for the child's sake.
Communicating with a former abuser is difficult, and it can feel as though a person is reliving the trauma over and over again. However, a child is watching, and they need to feel safe and secure.
Set Boundaries Between You & Your Abuser
Abusers tend to be manipulative to get their way; understanding the rights of a parent and setting clear firm boundaries can help to comfort mothers and protect them. Chances are their abuser is a charmer, and somehow manages to win people over with his malarkey and make the victim feel guilty, so they give in.
Setting boundaries will help limit different forms of potential harassment:
- Hours of communication and time limits of that communication
- Methods of communication between parents (they cannot just show up)
- Methods of communication between parent and child when the child is in the other's care.
Maintain distance to keep themselves safe. Drop-offs and pick-ups can certainly be in a public place if that makes it more comfortable. The more a child sees their parents as comfortable, the better they tend to feel about everything. If a victim is scared, they will see that too.
Report Breaches Of The Court Order
Something victims should consider is keeping notes. It may seem small or insignificant, but little things can add up and sometimes lead to big things. They should make sure these all have dates and times attached and some small details.
- Pick-ups are late
- Drop-offs are early
- Visitation is canceled altogether
- Wants to change times or swap times
- Anything that seems off to them or their child
All of this can be reported to the court. If the ex cannot follow through with their obligations, mediation can be set up to talk about changing the order, or they could be found in contempt.
Other Challenges To Look Out For With An Abusive Ex
Sage Journals says Men who were controlling during marriage and are very involved with children post-divorce continued to exert control over mothers. As a result, women managed conflict, set boundaries, and resisted control in the context of ongoing fear.
Victims know what their ex is capable of. More likely than not, the very thought of seeing them in mediation, or in court somewhat terrifies them. In these times of anxiety, they should keep their child in the forefront of their thoughts. They are doing this for them. Their ex is counting on breaking them like they have so many times in the past, they want them to cower down and give in.
Quite honestly, it may seem easier for victims to just give in than to put forth the enormous amount of energy it takes to deal with them. They need to remember their child. They are now solely fighting for them, and they are the only ones who can.
Victims must be aware of their words to their children. It is important that they do not talk badly about their abuser in front of them. Children should not be placed in the middle of the battle; they do not deserve that.
Be aware of an abuser's toxic traits that may lead to them:
- Talking bad about the victim to the child
- Lying about the past to the child
- Undermining the victim
Victims need to keep communication with children open, honest, and loving. Keeping them the top priority. Children are much more aware of what is happening than given credit for. They are more attuned, and as they grow, they will see the truth.
If you or someone you know is experiencing any form of abuse or living in a traumatic situation help is out there.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7: 800-799-7233
(Text START to 88788)
Sources:
US Department of Veterans Affairs