There’s an old adage that it takes a village to raise a child, and as parents we understand all too well that we do not always have the answers when it comes to parenting. As parents we desire that our children will have the opportunity to co-exist in a world where there will be mutual respect for one another, and where young girls and women will be treated no differently than young boys and young men. Ted Bunch and Anna Marie Johnson Teague are Gender Equity experts who recently published, The Book of Dares: 100 Ways For Boys To Be Kind, Bold, and Brave. Both Bunch and Teague have over 20 years of experience working with men and boys supporting in the areas of: social-emotional learning, shifting paradigms around “toxic masculinity”, building healthy interpersonal relationships and more. Through the organization, “A Call To Men”, a violence prevention organization that aims to “educate men and boys all over the world on healthy, respectful manhood” in an effort to “promote a healthy, respectful manhood that prevents all forms of gender-based violence,” Bunch and Teague have worked with organizations such as the NFL, NBA and beyond to elevate the conversation on male socialization and beyond. Moms.com recently had the opportunity to speak with both of these experienced gender equity experts. Bunch and Teague were able to provide many key insights such as: practical tips for engaging children and teens around understanding gender equity, parenting strategies for guiding young men towards expanding their worldview and inspiring more respect towards girls and all kids, and ways to engage the conversation about an all-around healthier idea of manhood. [EMBED_INSTA]https://www.instagram.com/p/CH8bex9lPZh/[/EMBED_INSTA] In the context of parenting, what is a gender-equity expert, and why is teaching about equity especially relevant in today’s cultural, social, and political climate? Our society is in a moment of great transformation, and a lot of focus is on the evolution of masculinity. Parents of boys are confronted with terms like “toxic masculinity” and “male privilege,” and the headlines are dominated with stories about men behaving badly. But being a boy is a wonderful thing. And to make every boy’s lived experience the best it can be, we have to be intentional about encouraging their authenticity, helping them develop empathy, educating them on healthy relationships, promoting emotional literacy, and supporting social-emotional learning. After twenty years of working with and educating men and boys, we know that healthy manhood is the solution. It’s the antidote for some of the most destructive problems in our society, including domestic violence, sexual assault, sexual harassment, dating violence, bullying, homophobia, gun violence, school shootings, and suicide. It’s all tied together. What was the inspiration behind your new book, The Book of Dares? How did this collaboration come to pass? We are parents and anti-violence educators. Over the years, we have noticed a huge gap in the market for content for boys that encourages healthy masculinity, healthy relationships, and authenticity; helps them develop empathy; promotes emotional literacy; and supports social-emotional learning. The Book of Dares helps fill that gap—to do that heavy lifting—and at the same time is fun and accessible for boys and parents. Many parents encourage their children not to participate in dares. How did the concept of dares as a motivational teaching tool come about? We spoke with thousands of boys around the world about the idea of dares. And unanimously, boys agree that dares are terrifying. It’s impossible to know the outcome of a dare—and scary to imagine a bad one. With every dare, there’s potential for embarrassment, shame, and being laughed at—in other words: judgment. There’s pressure, not only to go through with the dare, but to accept the challenge in the first place. Both are ways of showing you’re tough or proving your manhood. But boys told us that they still find dares appealing, that they’re fascinated with dare culture and the respect earned by completing dares. Not to mention that it feels a little bit like living on the edge. That’s why we went with the dare concept. We wanted boys at the book fair to see the title and want to pick up the book. It was something familiar and fun—and could be done individually or in groups. There are 100 dares, and you can go in order or jump around, do one a day or one a week. It’s a great tool for families to read together. [EMBED_INSTA]https://www.instagram.com/p/CJosqo0DOAR/[/EMBED_INSTA] What are some examples of the dares in the book? All the dares are designed to promote healthy masculinity, authenticity, and gender equity. They are grounded both in practical parenting strategies and our twenty years of work with men and boys. Daring to name three emotions you felt today promotes healthy manhood. You’d be surprised how many boys (and grown men!) can’t do this. We have found that when young people talk about something important, adults are quick to offer opinions and solutions. One of the best ways to respond is by asking, “How did that make you feel?” Prompting boys to articulate their feelings builds emotional literacy and helps them process what is going on in their lives. It sets them up to become better communicators. Daring to encourage someone’s uniqueness promotes authenticity. Often at this age, differences are considered weaknesses. But we should be celebrating them! This dare is designed to help boys identify things they might call out or pick on someone for and praise them instead. This not only helps build trust and deepen friendships, but it helps boys embrace their own differences and ultimately love themselves. Daring to chip in for equal pay encourages gender equity. This dare is great because it presents a scenario where a brother and sister are asked to do the dishes for a week. They do the same work, and both do a great job. But at the end of the week, the girl is paid $30 and the boy is only paid $27. Young people have a radar for what’s fair, and they immediately identify the bias and speak out. It’s a simple, effective way to talk about a complicated issue that persists in our society. Many of the dares are things we did and are doing with our own children. In your twenty-plus years of experience with your organization A Call to Men, what are some of the leading causes of young men lacking empathy toward young women? A Call to Men offers an invitation to men, not an indictment of manhood. We let men and boys know that their ideas about manhood, women, and girls have been shaped by their collective socialization. The messages that the media and culture bombard us with tell us that women are objects or property and have less value than men. Our job is to raise men’s and boys’ consciousness about their collective socialization so they can think critically about how they might be reinforcing or passing on these harmful beliefs and so they can challenge those beliefs in other men. [EMBED_TWITTER]https://twitter.com/acalltomen/status/1344301648735301632[/EMBED_TWITTER] What are some of the leading factors that contribute to boys and young men operating in mindsets and behaviors that lend themselves toward toxic masculinity? From politics to entertainment to sports, high-profile examples of toxic masculinity have been in the headlines more than ever before. While we are encouraged by the conversation, we also are cautious about using that term. If we allow men to separate themselves by saying, “I’m not that bad. Look at them—those guys are the ones with toxic behavior,” we are missing the greatest potential for change. All men are socialized to view women as objects, the property of men, and of less value than men. These ideas are taught to men—sometimes unconsciously—and reinforced by society. From “you throw like a girl,” to the discrepancy in wages, to media and advertising, our culture reinforces a norm of male dominance every day, and everywhere you look. That collective socialization allows violence and discrimination against women to persist because all men are socialized to share those values, not just the ones we see as exhibiting a toxic form of masculinity. That’s why we aren’t willing to separate men into those categories: These men are bad. These men are just ignorant to the issues. These men are good. This creates an environment where men can say that’s not me—I get a pass. It reinforces privilege. It allows men to stay quiet, to opt out of the conversation, and to not become part of the solution. Can you define what healthy manhood looks like, and some ways parents can begin to condition and shape their sons and the young men in their lives in a positive manner? We want all men and boys to live by the principles of healthy, respectful manhood. This includes things like: embracing and expressing a full range of emotions, not conforming to the pressure to always be fearless and in control, valuing a woman’s life, treating all people equally and promoting the betterment of humanity, not using language that denigrates women and girls, and developing an interest in the experiences of women and girls outside of sexual conquest. And one of the most important things we can do with our boys is to allow and encourage their authenticity. Often when our boys start school, differences are considered weaknesses. What we should be doing is celebrating differences! We’ve written dares designed to help boys identify things they might call out or pick on someone for and praise them instead. This not only helps build trust and deepen friendships, but it helps boys embrace their own differences and ultimately love themselves. When we talk about promoting authenticity, we just want our children to be who they were created to be, not who the world tells them they should be. Sure, they can be tough and strong—and kind-hearted and expressive. They can love basketball and golf and theater and art. We want to celebrate ALL of him, not just the parts that society deems important to its view of boyhood and, ultimately, manhood. [EMBED_TWITTER]https://twitter.com/acalltomen/status/1345045767753490437[/EMBED_TWITTER] Boys and men are often conditioned to be “be a man,” not cry, and shield their emotions. What are some ways parents can engage the young men in their lives to help them learn emotional awareness? Emotional literacy is a fancy word for being able to recognize and express how you are feeling. When we ask our boys how they are, they often say, “I’m good,” whether they are good or not. So we have to make an effort—especially with boys—to push past that. As parents, we find that when our kids come to us with a problem—big or small—we immediately offer solutions. We have made an effort with our kids to listen first, and before offering any “big parent wisdom,” to ask them how whatever happened makes them feel. It’s helped them to articulate if it made them feel sad or alone or happy or nervous. That’s emotional literacy. And research shows that kids who have a more developed emotional literacy are better problem solvers, have healthier relationships, and are more successful in their personal and professional lives. It’s important to be intentional in helping our boys develop their emotional literacy because the messages they get from world around them are to “man up,” to “suck it up,” that “boys don’t cry,” and to “stop acting like a girl.” When we tell our boys not to cry, we are telling them not to feel. We are telling them to stuff that emotion somewhere down deep. And that might work for a while, but eventually it’s going to come out, and most likely as anger. That’s why we wrote a number of dares in the book that directly tie to increasing boys’ emotional literacy. What is the Man Box, and how can parents help to counter this ideology? A Call to Men coined the term Man Box to illustrate the collective socialization of men (how boys are taught to view manhood and what society says it means to “be a man”). For example, men and boys are expected to be strong, aggressive, dominating, powerful, and athletic; to be providers, protectors, decision makers, and leaders. Many of these qualities are wonderful, but what happens if the boy falls short of those expectations. They are often shamed for not being “man enough.” These teachings are reinforced in things we say all the time: that “big boys don’t cry,” that a boy should “man up,” that he is “acting like a girl,” and that he needs to “be a man.” Those messages tell boys it’s not okay—not safe, even—to show emotion or be afraid. We live in a culture where the Man Box dominates. It polices boys, demanding that they obey its rules and punishing them if they fall short. This socialization leaves boys vulnerable to depression, anxiety, suicide, high-risk behaviors like vaping, alcohol, or drug use, putting themselves in physical danger, and violence toward themselves and others. The Book of Dares helps boys push back against that socialization. How can we learn more about A Call to Men and The Book of Dares? Please check out our website www.acalltomen.org. The Book of Dares is featured on the home page, and you can order the book there. You can also check out our free Live Respect curriculum for middle and high school boys, and our upcoming trainings and events. To learn more about The Book of Dares, click HERE. Check out our recent Facebook Live Discussion with authors Ted Bunch and Anna Marie Johnson Teague below: [EMBED_FB]https://www.facebook.com/OfficialMoms/videos/401870527928701/[/EMBED_FB]