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10 Funny Amy Schumer Quotes About Motherhood

Amy Schumer has been making us laugh since she broke onto the scene after working hard to make a name for herself as a comedian for years. She was a contestant on the fifth season of reality competition series Last Comic Standing back in 2007. Since then, she has created, co-produced, co-wrote, and starred in her own sketch comedy series Inside Amy Schumer, wrote the film Trainwreck, penned a memoir, and continued her meteoric rise to the top of the comedy world.

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In 2018, she married chef Chris Fischer, and gave birth to a son, changing her life dramatically. She's taking some time to care for her son, though she continues to work hard at honing her craft. And judging from these 10 funny quotes about motherhood, she’s still as funny as ever.

10 “Chris and I are thrilled and almost positive he’s the father. I look forward to competing with Markle every step of the way.”

This quote came with Schumer’s announcement that she was pregnant. She shared a photo of her and her husband Chris, except it wasn’t exactly authentic. It was an image of their faces Photoshopped overtop the faces of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

The royal couple was pregnant at the same time, so it worked out perfectly.

9 “Very lucky to be pregnant, but this is some bull****.”

Schumer posted this quote after being diagnosed with a condition called hyperemesis gravidarum. The condition is characterized by symptoms like severe nausea, vomiting, weight loss, and electrolyte disturbance. Needless to say, it’s more than just your garden variety morning sickness.

Taking it in stride, the comedian delivered this sort-of joke that calls the condition BS. We can’t even imagine going through such an ordeal, and we love that she was able to maintain her sense of humor with many other comments that followed as she powered through the pain and discomfort.

8 “That’s right, I’m done saying dirty things. It’s just not who I am anymore. I know it’s pretty weird to hear that from me but get used to it because I’m basically already kind of an amazing mom.”

Schumer is known for being a pretty raunchy comedian who doesn’t shy away from topics like sex, genitals, and one-night stands. After having her child, she's talked about not being that person anymore.

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This is a hilarious quote as she's patting herself on the back for being an amazing mom already, which means having to zip her lip sometimes and focus on a different kind of comedy going forward. After all, since she's now a married mom, she won’t have the same one night stand and single gal stories to draw on from her real life anymore.

7 “[I’m elated to] squeeze the sweetest, giant skull out of my tiny precious..."

"and most likely take a dump in front of five doctors and my lover. I just want to steer clear of sharing overly personal details.”

When Schumer said this quote to E! News, it was totally hilarious. Because, of course, in noting that she doesn’t want to overshare details about her pregnancy, childbirth, and being a mom, she went on to do the exact opposite.

Never one to shy away from talking about her genitals, weight, and other intimate topics, she let it all out with this comment, saying what every pregnant woman fears about the childbirth process.

6 “We’re so excited to say that…we don’t care what the gender is. However the baby identifies is fine.”

This declaration was made on Instagram as Schumer’s followers anxiously waited to hear the gender of her baby. Instead, she used the opportunity to announce and promote her upcoming Netflix special, Growing.

But she also made an important statement about people's obsession with the gender of the baby, noting that all the happy couple wanted was a healthy and happy baby – gender didn’t matter.

5 “You don’t stop being you, you know? You don’t stop working…or drinking.”

Of course this comment was made in jest and she said it during her aforementioned Netflix stand-up special Glowing, Schumer talked about how she didn’t like when women acted as though they were so precious when pregnant.

You’re still the same person, and you still have to work and go on with your life. And drink. OK, of course not alcohol – at least not until you've had the baby, of course.

4 “Does this baby make me look fat?”

A fun play on that stereotypical question that every woman supposedly asks – do I look fat in this? Schumer spun it around to ask if the baby she was carrying in her tummy made her look fat.

Pregnant women are, of course, glowing beauties. So fat is the last word you can use to describe a woman carrying another precious life inside of her. Nonetheless, the line is right on the nose, and super funny.

3 "Guys, what are we doing tonight?"

It isn’t so much the quote that’s funny as it is the image Schumer shared alongside it. She shared a candid photo on Instagram of her pumping into bottles to get breastmilk for her baby.

While her single and childless friends were probably getting dolled up to go out for a night of fun and drinking, this is what she was doing. But still, she joked that she might just join them in the fun. Then again, maybe not since while they were applying mascara and lipstick, she was sucking liquid from her body, with hair and make-up the last thing on her mind.

2 "We have to be a role model for these little girls, because who do they have?"

“All they have really is the Kardashians. And, like, we used to have Khloe. Khloe was ours, right? Whenever there’s a group of women, you identify with one of them. Khloe, she lost half her body weight. She lost a Kendall! We have nothing. I want good role models.”

This quote isn’t specifically about motherhood, but it definitely speaks to any mother of a young daughter. It's so true: what realistic representation of a woman is there in Hollywood that young girls can look up to?

Most actors and socialites, as Schumer notes, are perfect specimens with skinny bodies, beautiful heavily made-up faces, and perfect hair and fashion sense. It was a knock at Khloe, but nonetheless, the sentiment of the joke is heard loud and clear.

1 “I’d be disappointed if he liked The Big Bang Theory and NASCAR, not if he had ASD.”

In response to a follower asking her how she would feel if her child was on the autism spectrum since her husband is, Schumer noted that she didn’t see her husband having autism as being a negative thing. She said that she admired him for it. She also said should her son be diagnosed she’d provide him with the tools he needed to overcome whatever challenges came his way.

Then, in typical Schumer style, she followed it up with this hilarious comment about the long-running sitcom The Big Bang Theory and the popular car racing sport.

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