You guys, it's April. When did that even happen?! Pretty soon it'll be Easter, then Memorial Day, then school will be out and we'll be staring into the cold black eyes of an entire summer to entertain our kids and make magical memories. Truth be told, we are 100% ready for summer and pool parties and weekend trips. But we're sort of hoping the rest of the year slows down a bit. Because we need some more time to prepare. In the mean time, we'll ignore all the big stuff coming, and sit here and laugh at these parenting tweets from the last week.
Me: How was school?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2019
6-year-old: There weren't any horses.
Me: Were there supposed to be horses?
6: If I had my way.
Life in general would be a whole lot more interesting and fun if there were more horses, tbh. Someone should get on that.
Instead of saying, “Good night, mommy,” my kid said, “Rest in peace, mommy,” and now I’m a little afraid to go to sleep.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) March 25, 2019
Kids are the sweetest, creepiest little beings on the entire planet. We're not entirely sure they're not some sort of human-ghost hybrid. How are you supposed to sleep when your darling child says something like that right before bed?!
I don’t know why there’s mercury in gatorade or how that has any impact on my life but a mom at the school pick up line said I could blame all my problems on it and honestly I’ve never been more relieved.— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) March 28, 2019
We're not super into the mercury in retrograde thing - we have small kids, so life is always sort of chaotic and insane. But we are 100% down with anything that allows us to blame all of our problems and mistakes on something else. Mercury in gatorade, indeed.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 28, 2019
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Despite several reminders, a shared family calendar, and daily texts laying out the day's activities, there's always someone who doesn't know what the hell is going on. That someone is never us.
“Mommy, theses little nerf guns don’t shoot very far”— not the WORST mom 🤷🏽♀️ (@nottheworstmom) March 27, 2019
Me, turning around to see an entire box of tampons deployed: WHAT
Oh, the treasures that exist under mom's bathroom cabinet! Listen, playing with tampons and maxi pads is a right of passage for kids, and kudos to the one who try to shoot them like pillowy little bullets.
Parenthood is just buying cereal & crackers until you die.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 24, 2019
It's actually mind-blowing how long kids can survive on snacks. But do they have to make them so crumby? Someone needs to come up with a cracker and cereal that don't deposit an actual ton of tiny crumbs all over the entire house. Feels like walking on the beach sometimes.
Think you’re laid back and easygoing? Let a toddler pour their own drink.— Dorky Romano (@SuperApple80) March 26, 2019
This is the true test for parents: how long can you last before you completely lose your entire ish while your toddler is all I CAN DO IT MYSELF all over your damn kitchen. If you could do it yourself, Short Stuff, we wouldn't be wading through an entire gallon of milk on the floor right now.