Congratulations, friends! You made it to Memorial Day! It's all downhill cruising from here. And by downhill cruising, we mean that after this weekend, you will find yourselves hurtling toward summer and your kids being home all the damn time. The next couple of weeks are going to be intense, guys. There are school years to wrap up, summer plans to finalize, and fridges and freezers to stock up with cans of wine and Otter Pops. But let's start our week off right and enjoy the holiday by ignoring our growing to-do lists, and sit and laugh at some of the funniest parenting tweets from last week.
[First Kid]— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 19, 2019
Receptionist: What’s his date of birth?
Mom: So he was due on the 29th, but I actually had him on October 15, 2010 at 9:46 PM, he weighed six-
R: Yep. Got it.
R: What’s her date of birth?
M: *counting on fingers* ok so what year is it right now?
We don't love our second or third kids any less, obviously. But here's the thing: having kids ruins your brain. We're lucky if we remember all their names half the time. We need laminated information cards for each of our kids, just to hand out at doctor's offices or whatever.
Every parent says they want their child to find something that makes them happy and to be themselves.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) May 22, 2019
But when your child looks you in the eye and declares “Poop is my thing, I’m the poop guy.” you realize that is not, in fact, what you want.
We feel like every kid goes through a poop phase? Which is fine. It's funny, we admit it. But some kids commit to that phase, and it's all poop all the time. Hopefully there's a college scholarship in it somewhere down the line.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my 7th grade daughter and her friends.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 22, 2019
Listen, we put in a lot of time and take a lot of hits in the early years. It's all leading up to the tween and teen years, when we can cash it all in and get our kicks at our kids' expense.
Me: Oh it’s beautiful! Is this for me?— Molly Erdman (@erdmanmolly) May 20, 2019
My 5 yr old: No, it’s for Marla. I just love her so much.
Marla is the owner of the nearby frozen yogurt shop. pic.twitter.com/oKzkkEWZ1C
Don't you love it when your kids fixate on someone? You know, someone other than you. You, who spends every waking moment caring for them and loving them and keeping them alive. It's not like you don't deserve the accolades. But sure, the bagger at the local market has their heart.
[watching a TV singing competition]— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 23, 2019
9-year-old: I could do that.
9: Judge people.
In all honesty, all those shows where a panel of supposed experts judge people would be the perfect place for kids to work. They are ruthless and honest to a fault. They would make so many people cry.
We officially have enough Legos to build a vacation home.— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) May 22, 2019
What's that saying? House poor but Lego rich? We may not be able to live in them or trade them for goods and the resale value is terrible, but ... OK well, maybe there's no upside there.