Ah, Pinterest. Most moms love it, but those boards do something to people. They dole out delusions of mommy grandeur, making normal folks think they're capable of extraordinary things that - come on, let's be real here - they are SO not capable of.
Think about it.
"Platinum hair with green tips looks cool on this girl and she did it herself with Jell-O; I could pull that off, right?" Flash forward to noisy sobbing in the bathroom with sticky Grinch hair and a scorched scalp. Big-time miss.
And..."This chick wears high-heeled boots with her jorts and it is kind of fly. Maybe I should...?" Yeah, no one ever should and that model does the public a disservice by making anyone think otherwise.
"Regular" people doing incredible things and making it look simple - that's what clinches it. That is the trap: it's so easy. It lures in the moms, this guarantee of easiness, and convinces the masses that they're going to succeed, as well.
The good news is that Pinterest, by encouraging super cool ideas that only next-level humans can pull off, ends up gifting to the world the hilarious, glorious thing that elicits cackling, crying and snorting.
Pinterest Realities. In honor of the holidays, here are 20-holiday gems:
One look at these hella-dope Santa’s and I would tap out. Not because they aren’t amazing, but because I am not amazing. At a glance, I know this project is well-beyond my skillset.
Kudos to the mom who took this on. Bravo to her for having the chutzpah to look at those too-cool Santas and imagine she could replicate them. That is some culinary crafting swagger right there.
Perhaps this isn’t her fault. Perhaps these fruit fellas were perfectly executed, and then they got jumped by other fruit creatures in a back alley. It’s possible, right?
Just grab a gingerbread man cookie cutter and some icing, and you can totally re-create these adorable reindeer cookies. Anyone can do it! It's a fool-proof, Pinterest gem that will make you look like a baking goddess.
Perhaps using chocolate chip cookie dough was the problem. Perhaps it was the icing. Perhaps it was the fact that the gingerbread men bloated-up to twice their original size. Everyone knows that you can't make a husky gingerbread man look like an upside-down reindeer. Duh.
Whatever the issue, these cookies ended up looking less reindeer and more"what happened here?"
Could these guys BE more adorable? Crisp, simple and happy, these snowmen are set to impress everyone they come in contact with.
Oh, this impresses, all right. Your use of goo and lackluster colors impresses itself upon all of your friends; they will talk about it later when you aren't around. And the children at your kids' school are impressed by the way Carolyn's mommy can make a snowman look so very, very sad. And don't forget the lasting impression this guy will leave with your co-workers at the company cookie-share.
You wanted to leave an impression with your baking skills, and girl, you have.
One look at this photo and you knew you were destined to put your baby in a box, too. You could just hear how glorious everyone's reactions would be.
“Wow, you did this yourself? That is the cutest Christmas card I’ve ever seen; your baby is adorable! Wow!”
Now you can't un-hear the wow-ful reactions.
“Wow, is he always so fussy? Wow - you made that card yourself, didn’t you?” Awkward smile. “Someday you’ll look back and laugh at the tantrum years.”
Or - wow - someday you’ll look back and laugh at the fact that you used to be friends with that lady.
These are the ones. THE ones. These crafted cookies will tell the world that you are the ultimate Pinterest mom and all other mommies should just step aside. Your reign is about to begin; all hail the Queen of Pinterest.
These are the ones. THE ones. These cookies that will tell the world that you are the phone-it-in mom who tries really hard, but isn’t quite there. Nothing is beginning, because you most definitely do not reign at the whole crafty thing. Move out of the way so the real Pinterest moms can come through, please.
Look at these. Just look. They aren’t mere treats, but edible masterpieces that probably deserve gallery space. Simple, clean and cute, just like a Pinterest mom.
Look at this. Just look. He isn’t a melted snowman, but a frosting glob that remarkably has hands and eyes. Eyes, it seems, that beg you to just take a bite and put him out of his mercy. He doesn't want to hang around like this, making people question whether or not a kid made him or if perhaps he was dropped on his face.
That's no way to live.
“You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.” But so charmingly baked and frosted that the children can’t wait to take a bite. They stand there in the kitchen, breathlessly waiting for the signal that the cupcakes are ready to be eaten.
I think what makes this Pinterest attempt so beautiful is the generous use of wet, drippy, crimson-red frosting on the Grinch's face. Nice touch, mom; it really makes his red eyes pop.
That is the cutest pancake-face; what mom wouldn't want to make that for her beloved kiddos on Christmas morn? What a way to start a special day.
Hmm. The breakfast looks like an animal of some sort, so that is a win in my book.
Now, does it look like a reindeer? Not so much.
And somehow this mom managed to build a breakfast that not only looks at you but actually peers into your soul. He's begging you not to eat him, conveying through his gaze that though he can't run away, he would if he could.
Can that actually be made of bread? I tip my hat to whatever super-baker created such an incredible masterpiece of carbohydrate glory.
Bread Face is always looking at you, no matter where you are in the room like the Mona Lisa, and he's looking through bulging olive eyes.
And is that an underbite? And hot dog lips?? This guy might just solve the problem of what to talk about with awkwardly-distant relatives. When that uncomfortable silence stretches out in front of you, you can debate whether this thing has a beard or a massive chin growth.
I feel like whoever created this has to be some kind of a crafting showoff. Why take something that's already a thing (tree) and make it into an entirely different thing (snowman)? The only reason is to show off that you can. (So what if I'm jealous?)
This guy - Stan, we'll call him - is looking at you. And he will be looking at you throughout the entire holiday season because Stan was given enormous eyes and not much else. Really, what else is there for him to do? Stan will stare at you with this "Well??" expression until you either turn him around or take him down.
Who wouldn't be proud to offer up these adora-snowmen to each and every person they meet this holiday season? These mallow-brosephs are straight-up accessorized, with their zippy scarves and jaunty hats. Talk about your well-dressed snacks.
Um...what in God's name happened to these dudes? The one in the middle is clearly the alpha-mallow because he still has a face. The other weaker, less mighty mallows weren't so lucky. Perhaps if they'd trained harder, as their leader, they might be less oozing and melty. Less unpalatable and liquified. #lessonslearned
Bow tie, hair bow, faux-hawk; these kids have got it going on and their mama knows it.
This is in-the-trenches, Everyday Momming 101. The mother does all the work; she styles the kiddos to perfection, buys the three handcrafted letters and even picks a great location. All the little so-and-so's have to do is smile - that is all.
But can they do that? Nope. What they can do, though, is let loose with the most dramatic, wide-open-mouthed expressions of unhappiness that Christmas card exchangers have ever laid eyes on.
Next-level snacks right here. The use of peanut butter cups, the frostinged fishnet stockings, the pointy heels; these are almost too cute to eat.
Are these cookies flesh-colored? How do you even pull that off? It's almost as if the creator of these treats was trying to make foot cookies. I've never seen cankular snacks before in my life, so I give this lady credit for originality. Instead of laughing at this attempt, we should embrace the utter uniqueness of these cookies.
They're cute and crafty, but these guys also look delicious. I like marshmallows, candies, AND pretzels; this is a triple-threat snack right here. Gimme.
Somehow, these little buddies manage to look both inedible and sheepish about their inedibility, all at the same time. I'm not sure if it's the black eyes, the mushy white outlines or the way their eyes aren't all looking in the same direction, but these little dears have my empathy. They look embarrassed by their appearance, to which I say - no.
Be proud, little clump reindeer, of what's inside of you. It's, um, it's a marshmallow, right? No matter how strange you look, there's a sweet, chewy marshmallow inside of each and every one of you.
These cuties look like they should be on a TV Christmas special, don't they? Their cute little eyes and general crispy vibe make me expect a big song and dance number about how much they love Santa.
Don't get too close to this guy. His ingredients may look delicious, but he's actually made from five tiny reindeer who were squished together and kneaded into a solid blob. He sits there on the corner of the plate, beckoning to those with a sweet tooth, but don't even think about getting your finger close to his blue M&M.
Look at this baby, so sweet and happy, surrounded by all the holiday decor. The family dog, getting in on the fun and readily giving some love...There's absolutely nothing to worry about.
And then there's this baby... He was fine with you buttoning him into the plaid shirt and pulling the choo-choo sweater on top. He's not a fan of the Dockers, but for the sake of keeping everyone happy, he decided to roll with it.
He thought it was weird the way you just plopped him down onto the afghan-covered beanbag when you've never let him sit by himself like a big boy before, but still, he wasn't alarmed.
And then it happened. You dropped a massive, life-sized snowman beside him, so close and in his face that the thing's mitten 'booped' him.
Pretty, festive, and probably smells really good. Nice job, mom!
What happened here? How did this 'star' end up looking more like a gingerbread man? Yeah, that's all I can see when I look at this thing. It's a bit of a marvel, really, the fact that the person who made this was able to make it look SO different from the intended finished project.
I'd love to know if this Pinterest mom actually hung this bad boy on her tree.
Cute pic of mom and dad as they shower the baby with love. And the shot totally accentuates those hyper-adorable cheeks;
Cute pic of mom and dad. The kid, though - he's not having it. He is a good five seconds away from a complete and absolute meltdown; you can see it right there in his eyes.
Give the kid a little space, will ya? Sheesh.
I have a hard time believing these aren't plastic. I mean, who could frost things so perfectly? Not me, certainly. Not you, either. But apparently, a human being actually made these amazing snowmen.
Ohh, nooo! That's what the lead snowman-pop here is saying. Probably because his frosted face has melted off of his cookie skeleton and his Oreo is exposed. If he could turn his head and see the guy next to him, he would thank his lucky stars for just the melting. #blessed
Her kids don't know she's cool, but she is. She wears "hip" clothes and gets "rad" haircuts, but they just roll their eyes and barely even notice. When they get a load of these festive nails, though, everything will change. Those kids will know, without a doubt, that their mom is the "cool" mom.
Mother can't say she isn't disappointed at how her nails turned out, but it was tough to paint them while watching General Hospital on TV. "Her bad" as the kids would say.
If you draw her as your gift this year, she would really love a gift certificate to the salon so she can try again.
Sources: Bored Panda, Cosmopolitan, Pinterest, Mashable, Pizzabottle.com, Proudmummy.com.