Being optimistic is a very great tool in life, because it helps us build resilience and believe that we can always make it through. However, too much of it can harm us as well. While having a positive mindset gives us hope, choosing to neglect our negative emotions can lead to anger and resentment bubbling up inside. So, as parents and guardians, we can choose to teach our children to see both the good and the bad. We can inspire them to have a healthy mindset. By guiding them, they can always give attention to both their happy and negative feelings.
Moms.com had the chance to discuss this very wonderful topic with Dr. Robert Cole MD, a physician and regional medical director, and the author of How to Build a Smile: 14 Ways to a Better You. He shares some advice on how parents can train kids to use optimism as a tool to triumph over adversities while acknowledging the negative emotions that come along the way. Read on to learn about his parenting tips.
Hi Dr. Cole, thank you so much for giving us time to discuss the wonderful topic of optimism! To start, please tell us some details about your new book, How To Build A Smile. Based on your study, how can smiling greatly impacts our mood and our overall mental health?
There is good data to support that the act of smiling can in fact help lead to more happiness, in part by triggering the release of important neurotransmitters that can make a person feel better. There exist simple and proven tactics that we can all use to promote what I call our inner smile, which is just increased happiness, more success, and more satisfaction with life. Less worry. More action. More control. More fun. I learned some of these tactics through the challenges I faced as I navigated my way through medical training and into critical care medicine. I also, thankfully, surrounded myself with the right people.
In addition to my personal life experience, I did research in the field to be sure there is Science to help support these strategies. My involvement in the 2020 pandemic further sparked my interest and I was eager to organize and express my thoughts. I watched a lot of my colleagues and family members, sometimes even strangers, suffer from an emotional standpoint. There were times I also let the burden of life stop me from enjoying what it had to offer. I had an awakening that a lot of emotional suffering is self-inflicted. Life is in fact short and fragile. I realized that we truly control the course of our life and the emotional state we want to live in. That is the idea behind this book. 14 simple ways to improve your chance of being happy and building that so desired smile. I wrote this book for people of all ages, but I believe it could be especially impactful for teens and young adults.
Toxic positivity is the belief that only being happy and having good vibes is the way to live a good life. It’s very subtle, but it has a long-lasting effect on our mindset when dealing with adversities. As a family physician and a professor, what are some problems or concerns that you have observed with teenagers and students who have this kind of belief?
Like anything in life, too much of one thing always has its downfall, especially if used inappropriately or excessively. The idea of being upbeat and optimistic is almost always to our advantage. This starts to change when people use this positivity to mask real emotions and suppress reality. Sometimes this is in the form of individuals trying to convince themselves that everything is great when the facts reveal something different. Blind comments such as, “It will all work out.” or “It’s meant to be!” have their place on most occasions, but other times, repeating and believing this narrative will disconnect a person from acknowledging real problems.
When people do not acknowledge real issues, they cannot solve the problems that life inevitably will present. This is especially important for young people, as this is when emotions often run high, sometimes influenced by hormonal changes and many new life experiences.
As a young person deflects the real problems in their life, they tend to build up negative emotions with no healthy outlet. Many times, they start feeling guilty or embarrassed when they have a negative emotion about something happening in their life because they believe the expectation is to always be positive. This idea is further perpetuated by the widespread use of social media, which often falsely leaves out the negative. This can be dangerous as it can lead to underlying anxiety and eventually real shock and further emotional lability when someone can no longer escape reality.
Instead of being overly optimistic and ignoring negative emotions, what is your advice as to how teens can strike a balance between being optimistic and protecting their emotions?
My advice to teens is for them to acknowledge that life is not perfect. People are not perfect. Most importantly, YOU are not perfect. Embrace those negative feelings to grow and learn. More importantly, talk about your problems. This conversation is especially important and healthy. Teens should find someone they trust and feel comfortable talking to about ANYTHING. This will allow them to learn how to solve real-life problems, gain an outlet for stress in turn growing tolerant of these emotions, all while building long-lasting bonds with friends and family.
Consistent communication with a trustworthy partner(s) is an important coping mechanism. It is possible and healthy to remain optimistic but also realistic. By learning from your past mistakes and gaining confidence in coping with unpredictable and negative events in life, you will inherently be building a foundation of optimism. But this optimism will be authentic, a product of absorbing and learning from reality not deflecting every emotion that does not feel quite right.
What are some ways on how teens can practice optimism to be able to persist and succeed in school?
Building self-confidence– This is vital for younger individuals. Increasing members of society, especially our youth, seem to be lacking adequate self-esteem. For example, on social media, people often compare themselves to bogus Instagram pictures and exaggerated vacation posts, and they tend to lose self-confidence in themselves. They begin to feel inferior, less content with their own lives, and naturally, have trouble gaining confidence. This gets exploited in all areas of life, including education. When a teen lacks adequate self-esteem, they do not have the capability to withstand critique, negativity, or academic challenges. Teens must have confidence in themselves to succeed but also to be happy in the process of trying to succeed. Once a young adult feels better about who they are, it will allow optimism to flow naturally in all they do.
Setting REALISTIC Goals– The idea of setting goals is especially important, particularly within the academic realm. Further, the act of writing these goals down will improve an individual’s chances of success. When someone writes down something positive that they intend to accomplish for the future (ex. I want to read for one hour every night.), it naturally promotes optimism and helps build self-esteem. As these less significant but realistic goals are achieved, teens will build a foundation of self-confidence and the expectation to do well will begin to set in.
Being grateful– More importantly, verbalizing this gratitude puts these feelings into motion. When someone is grateful for what they already have, it allows them to acknowledge that things in life may not be perfect yet at the same time, they can be appreciative of some of the advantages they in fact do have. Research has shown that gratitude can lead to higher levels of perceived social support and lower levels of stress and depression. When a teen feels supported in the setting of less stress, they can begin to focus better on any academic task at hand while practicing positivity.
As children grow into young teenagers, they often model their parents’ behavior at home. What are some practical examples as to how parents can set a good example on being able to manage their emotions maturely?
As parents, we are role models to our children, and it is important to always try and set a good example. Show your kids what healthy communication looks like. When they see their parents talking about their problems or disagreements and not just yelling, they learn from a young age what healthy problem solving can look like. Let them understand we can all disagree, but it does not mean we dislike the other person and does not give us a right to disrespect them.
Let them observe you both at times admitting you have done or said something wrong, so they learn to accept their own imperfections. Furthermore, let them see you apologize if it is warranted.
Talk about a bad day you may have had at work or home. This will help avoid toxic positivity and let them feel safe discussing any issues, so they do not deflect and internalize problems.
Teens feeling “left out” is a common challenge. Inevitably, they will not be invited to a party or to a friend’s house. It is important that they see their parents deal with being left out in a mature way. For example, let's pretend that we (parents) are not invited to a wedding that we might have been expecting to attend. Instead of showing our anger, let them observe us understanding the challenges of hosting a wedding. Comments such as “I am disappointed we will not be attending, but I certainly understand that they couldn’t invite everyone. I remember we had to take friends off our guest list that we would have loved to see attend when we had our wedding.” Teens will see this and listen. You will be amazed how quickly they will apply it to their own issues, without you even having to encourage them.
Similarly, please share with us some tips for parents as to how they can support their teens in processing negative emotions in a healthy way, without suppressing or ignoring these emotions.
It is important that teens understand that negative emotions are normal. Again, the key is communication, healthy conversation, and problem-solving. Reiterate that we all are all imperfect. Do not let them feel guilty for having such emotions. Teach them not to compare themselves to others which can sometimes be the root of their discontent. It is also helpful to share stories from your past to further help normalize their emotions. Be sure they realize that you too were once a teenager, and while the challenges may have seemed different, the themes were likely the same. Give them time to dwell about issues, but also be sure they do not fall into the trap of sustained self-pity.
Are there any activities or exercises that you could recommend that could help teenagers practice mindfulness on their own?
Disconnect– For any person to truly practice mindfulness, they must take a minute to put their cell phone down, close their laptop and turn the TV off. Teens are no exception to this rule. It is healthy and important for them to disconnect from time to time. Social media feeds and unrealistic “reality” shows can be toxic if consumed in excess. One exercise is for everyone (including you, parents!) to put their cell phones in another room while eating dinner.
Encourage creativity– Any medium that allows teens to adequately express themselves in a healthy way can be of great value. For example, writing poetry or keeping a journal will allow teenagers to uniquely put to words how they are feeling, all while being more present. It also provides something that is tangible, giving them an option to reflect on their work at a future time. There are many other examples of creative expression such as writing music, painting, and starting a blog.
Meditation– This encourages calm and is a great way for teens to step back in difficult situations and analyze how they are feeling and more importantly, how they are going to choose to react to any challenges they face.
Encourage them to practice Future Mental Time Travel– Also known as episodic future thinking. Think of it as daydreaming but with focus and intent. It is a way for people to visualize their future in an effort to bring calm and joy to the present moment. It is further defined by the ability to mentally project oneself forward in time to imagine an event from one’s potential, personal future. It forces people to focus on their position in life as well as their desired trajectory. In fact, evidence shows this type of thinking can increase a person’s positive self-image and improve self-control.
Thank you so much for all the parenting tips, Dr. Cole! To read more about his parenting advice, follow his blog. To purchase his book, visit the official Amazon page of How to Build a Smile: 14 Ways to a Better You.
5 Tips To Teach Teens About Optimism Without The Toxic Positivity
Sources: Dr. Robert Cole Official Website, Healthline, How To Build A Smile
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