Dr. Daryl Appleton is a psychotherapist, Fortune 500 Executive Coach, and Corporate Consultant. But she doesn't just work with corporations on their mental wellness. She also helps couples and families with their mental wellness and more. In addition, she's also an author, an expert in the media, an international speaker, and an Ivy League research scholar. She's incredibly talented at assisting couples with their relationship needs.

We were happy to have the privilege to speak with Dr. Appleton a couple of weeks ago. In this exclusive interview, she discussed helping couples with wellness needs, redefining success, and work-life balance.

Moms.com (M): Could you please provide some background on yourself?

Dr. Daryl Appleton (Dr. A): So, who am I to tell you what I think? My career as a psychotherapist and Fortune 500 coach started with my love of crime shows, serial killers, and anything bizarre. At the core of it, I was enamored with why people do what they do- and while my parents emphatically dissuaded me from working with the criminally insane, I never lost that curiosity in brain and behavior. After what seemed like 90 years of school- getting and Ed. in Counseling, a CAGS in Mental Health, an LMHC in Mental Health, and a doctorate in Leadership- I started my private practice, Polaris Counseling & Consulting, There, I work with clients suffering from a traditional range of mental health issues.

A few years after opening, I saw that there was a major gap in treatment for what I lovingly refer to as the “worried well”. Basically, a need to support people who are trying to do it all, finding success in one area, but feeling burnout in the process or “failing completely” in another. From this need blossomed my coaching and consulting firm- Cioffi Appleton, LLC. Major corporations, professional athletes, tired parents, fed-up significant others, and stressed out executives started knocking on my door looking for help to be healthier and more balanced at home and at work. Since then, I've been working with clients by blending classic psychoanalytic and neuropsychological techniques with business strategies to redefine personal and professional success.

Related: Emotional Health Issues Can Be Overcome With Brain-Based Psychotherapy

M: One of your specialties is family and couples therapy. Why is it so important to you?

Dr. A: Family is at the very core of our social makeup. It dictates our expectations around relationships and impacts our emotional and physical health, Yet there's no formal training on how to be a healthy couple or family. Much of my work is centered around the normalization around family and couples counseling for all. I want to give a space for individuals to be vulnerable, work through issues, and learn to communicate what they want and need in a healthy, assertive way. In the process, we're ending toxic generational cycles and allowing for some pragmatic skills to help cut down stress and build up happiness. The bottom line is that I truly believe everyone deserves to have peace, as well as a space to thrive at home with the people they love most.

M: Why is family therapy so important?

Dr. A: We all bring emotional baggage from our past relationships, or past family dynamics, which can sometimes go unnoticed until undesirable behaviors arise. Having someone trained to point out patterns of behaviors, give space to issues, and navigate difficult issues with tangible skills and steps toward health and healing is an incredible gift to give yourself, your relationship, your extended family, and your children.

M: When should couples consider undergoing couples therapy?

Dr. A: I think every couple should be in couples therapy! Imagine having a dedicated place and space each week to sit and talk about your feelings and shared goals for the future. Realistically, couples therapy isn’t for when things are on the brink of failure, even though that's the current narrative. I challenge you to think of a functioning team- whether it's in the corporate sector or in the athletic arena- who don’t schedule meetings to touch base, check in on goals, and allow people to voice concerns. It's slightly mindboggling that the most important team- the union between two people- wouldn’t have this organically built-in. If you're struggling with communication, don't feel seen in the relationship, or are having difficulties with any form of intimacy, these are all really good reasons to go talk with someone. But if there's violence in the home or you feel unsafe, please check out thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-SAFE.

 

M: How do you help couples out?

Dr. A: My role usually starts off as a translator. Couples typically speak different languages- and oftentimes they're both agreeing, but can’t hear it or they both hold different beliefs they’ve never fleshed out themselves or articulated out loud. A major part of my time with couples in helping to define these terms at set shared goals and expectations. The other side of this role I play is to help raise awareness and accountability for both partners individually and acting as an advocate for the relationship and whatever share goals are set- even if that means having a healthy breakup.

M: Do you find parents struggle with their relationship after having children?

Dr. A: Yes! I feel like we need to do a better job normalizing how hard it is to be a couple with children. Anytime you involve more people (especially tiny people), and their wants and needs, there's a lot more emotional labor at stake and less time to decompress from it. That's not to say that there aren't some beautiful wins in parenting. But it's really easy to forget that it’s the small moments that make up the years in a relationship. Sometimes we forget that our relationships are important while we're in the trenches with kids. Your children will grow and they'll leave you. That's a great thing! But then your significant other will be there with you long after- which is an important detail we often forget. I'd argue that showing a healthy partnership with your significant other or co-parent- or even your parents and/or in-laws- is at times even more valuable than any hands-on parenting you could do.

M: Why is it important for couples to redefine success?

Dr. A: It’s really easy to gauge many different elements of success from a job or career standpoint. There are salary bumps, promotions, extended benefits, and nice corner offices. But you don’t get a title change from “wife” to “executive wife” if you do a great job and meet your monthly “mom quota”. Very rarely as couples do we sit down and have a strategic plan on our shared vision and defining family success. Couples need to take the time to verbalize this vision and lean into or develop their own systems of assessment that helps both parties feel seen and heard- all of which allows for growth. By celebrating the small stuff and staying on track to “the strategic plan”, it's much easier to feel like there's a method to the madness to keep clarity in chaos.

M: One thing you work with people on with your patients is work-life balance. Why is this so important during the coronavirus pandemic?

Dr. A: The lines between work and life have literally been erased. Statistically, we're seeing people working longer hours with less breaks and taking on roles of co-worker/teacher/camp counselor/etc that we haven't prepared for. We've also lost our ability to take some space and physically commute. which helps us quite literally transition from one state of mind to the other. On the life side, we still have children to take care of and house tasks that need to be accomplished. At times, it can feel unrelenting. In a COVID-19 world, we're living moment to moment. We're unable to answer “When does this end?” to our children, or to ourselves. This state of flux is incredibly stressful because there's no end in sight. Taking care of yourself now, and setting up good habits of “transitioning” from work to life and back again, and learning to be kind to yourself can save you from many years of untangling this in therapy. It can also prevent harsh moments of self-criticism that are fueled by stress and burnout.

M: Why is important to have a healthy work-life balance?

Dr. A: Too often we see the imbalance in the areas of work and life, which can lead to burnout. Burnout and the chemical associated with stress and cortisol can wreak havoc on the brain if left unchecked. They can actually begin to change neuropathways in the brain too. With too much of this unchecked cortisol in our prefrontal cortex, our decision-making skills falter. Our emotions in our temporal lobe flood the system. Our memory center in the hippocampus shrinks, and our fight-or-flight mechanism in the brain goes wild. This can lead to untimely health issues, unhealthy patterns of behavior, and a cycle that can and will lead to a clinical mental health diagnosis if left unchecked.

M: What advice would you give to those struggling with maintaining a good work-life balance?

Dr. A: There's no such thing as work-life balance. It's a thinking trap that's fueled by guilt, shame, and comparison. My advice? First, lean into a sway. Sway is recognizing that there will be times when our personal life needs more attention, and times when work will demand more of our focus. Sway seeks to soften the constant and demanding transition of work to life and back, rather than trying to split times and tasks equally. Second, be okay with being selfish. If sway is the process of putting on your proverbial oxygen mask first, being selfish is understanding that you need to put on said mask first before assisting others. We all must learn to embrace that "selfish" isn't a dirty word. In fact, elements of it are required in any healthy relationship of work, love, or family. We can't pour from an empty cup. Lastly, step away. It could be five minutes or a quick trip to the fridge to allow yourself time to think and process. By giving yourself this mental and physical space from a stressor or problem in work or life, you'll be much more likely to name what you need, normalize your reaction against the issue at hand, and navigate the situation with a plan and your skills. If you're asking yourself, How in the hell do I do THAT?!- call a therapist. We're all virtual and available to help you so that you don't need to go through this alone.

Thank you so very much for speaking with us! You can learn more about Dr. Appleton by visiting her website. You can also follow her on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter.

Next: Virtual Therapy Is A Thing & It Can Help Parents Who Are Struggling During This Pandemic