This topic hits close to home. Being a child of parents who separated when I was 7, I am unfortunately all too familiar with the side effects of parents who spoke negatively of one another before during, throughout and after the divorce. Not only is it both unkind and horrible to hear ill things about one's parents, it impacts a child personally and the effects are long-lasting, if not life-long. Many years ago, when Oprah was still on the air, she had psychologist, Gary Neuman, on air who had written a book called, "Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way." He was on multiple times throughout her time on national television. I can recall vividly some of the points discussed during one of his many appearances. The two most profound take away points were from that show, keep your child/children’s schedule as similar as possible when at each parent’s home for consistency and a feeling of security, and never badmouth the other parent in front of children. He noted the importance of routine for keeping life as similar as possible to life pre-separation for a child's sense of well being, which made total sense. After all, everything a child has known up until that point in their life has suddenly just been ripped away from them. A family who had all been living together, will most likely never be under one roof again. No more family dinners or mom and dad tuck-ins at bed etc.  This is absolutely devastating to a child.  Paying close attention to keeping rituals as similar as possible can lessen the blow.

Kids Internalize The Negative Talk

As for the negative talk, he discussed that a child is the make-up of both parents and when you criticize each other, the child, knowing they are made of the person being criticized, takes on that message internally about themselves. Decades later, the behavior of bad mouthing the other parent is continually noted as something not do. Related: How These 20 Kids Really Feel About Being Raised By Parents Of Divorce

Additionally, Psychology Today recently released an article about parental alienation,which is often created from one parent speaking negatively about the other parent and through those words a child makes a decision to alienate themselves from that parent. Along with the self esteem issues that can come from a child taking on this parents negative attributes, the discord from a severed relationship with a parent will leave a child lacking a most important figure in their life.

Children need both parents love, nurturing and perspective to flourish. Of course, all situations need to be looked at individually. If a parent is participating in unhealthy behaviors, this would need to be looked into to assess the best path for the child. Too often this is not the case. The negative talk is typically the result of pride, anger and hurt taken on from a marriage gone bad. It's imperative for parents to put the needs of their children first and realize the long term impact the negative talk will create for the child.

Turn To The Many Resources

Many children, decades later still suffer immeasurable pain due to the unhealthy behaviors they witnessed as children of divorce. Years ago there weren't the resources available that are today. Through counseling, the internet, books and support groups, today parents have the resources to educate themselves in order to provide the best guidance possible to their kids.

Parents need to learn the necessary coping skills for themselves in to address and process their feelings in a healthy way and lead as an example to their kids. There is so much confusion for a child during this tumultuous times. Everything they have known until the day this news comes crashing down, immediately strips them of all their sense of safety and security. Kids look to their parents to lead the way.

Plan Ahead, Together

The most responsible way for parents to separate in the most healthy way is to plan ahead together and come up with the least disruptive way to move forward if intending to separate and divorce. Lines of communication need to stay open between parents if possible. Obviously if there is an abusive situation this may not be possible.

However, in many cases, it is possible, but parents simply get stuck in their own heads and put their own needs first. Children don’t ask to be brought into the world, we make the choice to bring them into the world and so it’s our responsibility to lead and prioritize their needs irregardless of their own suffering.

Next: Kids Of Divorced Parents: 20 Things To Avoid Saying