Being a parent is difficult, it doesn’t come with a rule book and it may just be the hardest thing you do in your entire life. However, being a stepparent may be slightly harder. You are emerging into this family, with children, who may be struggling still with feelings from their parent’s separation. You don’t want to overstep your boundaries, or act too much like their “mom,” but you want the children to respect you and like you. You also don’t want to irritate the other parent, or make them feel like you are trying to take over. It is a delicate situation.
Fortunately, if you are a stepparent, you are not alone. According to Pew Social Trends, more than 4-in-10 American adults have at least one step relative in their family, and this includes stepparents. As unfortunate as it is, divorce is incredibly common, and many families are turning blended.
Stepmoms (and dads) put a lot of pressure on themselves to do a good job and make sure that the children approve of them, as well as their biological mother/father. However, it is important to know that this job is hard and it is OK to take it easy on yourself.
The Marriage Itself Is Fragile
According to Psychology Today, without even putting children in the picture, a second marriage will always be more fragile than the first one. That is because a person’s image of what a “marriage” should be is slightly tainted from their first experience. They may not be as doe-eyed or naïve about what a marriage should be, and they still may have reservations about the relationship. The way the marriage is viewed has changed, and that can put a strain on any relationship.
This can be hard enough if this is your first marriage, because the home condition may not be as stable as you would hope. When children are involved, they will constantly be coming in and out of the house, and there will undeniably be communication and some extent of a relationship with the ex-partner.
Your Self-Esteem Takes A Hit
Even if you think that you are one of the most confident people in the world, your self-esteem may take a major hit as a stepparent. According to Huffington Post, children are experts at making a person take a hit to their self-esteem. They ignore you and they may even throw hurtful words at you. This is enough to make anyone feel like they are not “good enough.” It is OK not to be OK when it may seem like everyone is fighting against you. Along with an ex-spouse, you could be starting to question every single decision you make and thing you do.
Importance Of Biology
If you are entering a relationship that involves children, but you don’t have any of your own, you may be lacking that “maternal instinct” that a lot of biological mothers claim to have. While a maternal instinct is not something anyone is automatically granted, it is something that can tend to show up in a new mother after they have a child. You are at an almost immediate disadvantage when it comes to parenting, because you need to learn everything as you go, and there is no guidebook to help you through. You are also entering the child’s life, likely, when they are past infancy and already developed with their own personality that you need to learn. Everything is a learning process, so cut yourself some slack.
Sources: Psychology Today, Huffington Post, PEW Social Trends