There’s a lot to be said for living in the times that we live in. There's running water and then a million other inventions that make running water look like it's barely a big deal… even though that’s the unsung keystone that all of civilization hinges on. All that said, modernity and all its perks of convenience don’t treat everyone well. Take, for instance, people who have to invent products for babies. Sure, there’s more technology and information about raising children than ever before but that just means it’s impossible to invent new products people should buy.
That’s an issue if someone’s job is to think up unnecessary new products for recent parents to squander money on. It's not a problem for most of us, just a very slim few of us. Anyway, the point isn’t that it’s such a tragedy that corporations are having such a difficult time reinventing the wheel. The point is that when companies miss the mark on coming up with new inventions to deem necessary, it’s incredibly hilarious from the consumer’s side of things. Aka us. A.k.a. we’re all gathered here today to laugh at the junk corporations pour millions of dollars into, hoping it’ll sell. But it won’t and never will.
Cardi B can continue to worship her baby Kulture as she sees fit, but any kind of jewelry in the vicinity of a baby makes me nervous. And even if its supposed to be functional jewelry, like a teething necklace, it can still go wrong. Take this overpriced accessory, for example. One buyer complains that "I don’t know what amber looks like, but this necklace looks more like plastic beads than amber stone. If it had actually come with the certificate of authenticity, as advertised, I would be more satisfied, but I purchased two necklaces, and none of them came with the certificate. Very upset and would return if I could."
Oh boy, from the lap of luxury to way too pragmatic. Does anyone really need to teach their child chores before they can walk? Because if that person has so many children they can barely get to household tasks, the older children can probably help. And if it’s only one child then this is still a huge overreaction. Do babies really need to crawl around looking like Gila monsters in the name of cleaner tiles? I’m going to venture a guess and say a pre-verbal buddy isn’t going to notice when they miss a spot or end up just spreading a mess.
Children becoming assimilated with technology is honestly incredible. Sure, there’s the freaky incidence of seeing a toddler thinking a physical book can skip a page a là Kindle, but those little Black Mirror moments aside… children growing up with technology is akin to them learning a language naturally that most adults have to set aside hours of studying to master. It’s a huge gift. But this thing? This thing is just begging to get liquids on it or otherwise be taken apart. If your child is young enough that their toys have teething rings attached, it’s too soon for a tablet.
If any product for babies was enough to inspire a total lack of words… here we are. Okay, parents find themselves in plenty of awkward situations. We all don’t have enough arms to deal with the issues we’re confronted with on a daily basis. Does that mean it’s okay to hang a baby from a wall like a coat? Even if multiple scientists have weighed in that the design is ergonomic, you’re getting some side eye in the bathroom. Sure, it’s difficult to wear your baby frontwards and wash your hands. Or do anything! But get through it- this is ridiculous.
Oh my dear no. Does that assortment of words not make sense? Well, neither does this product. Look, it’s a learning curve to get used to toting around a baby attached to the human body but here’s the thing, 1. it’s temporary and 2. you can do it. There’s no need to make a child look like a chest burster when a sling is just enough. How cold is it where you live that this baby needs to be completely clad in fleece besides its face? Just calm down. Either hire a babysitter for those hikes or find a stroller closer to an ATV.
It’s almost like any Google search for fun, unique pacifiers is just begging to turn into a portal to the abyss of an underworld of under-thought products. Does this pacifier affect a child’s jaw structure in the name of an expired joke? Who knows because it’s somehow for sale. No one wants to pretend for even an instant that a baby has fake teeth replaced by precious metals. Take your sense of humor elsewhere or at least don’t impose it on your child in ways that could force them to require so much orthodontics later in life.
Technology can absolutely take the place of a lot of busy work, but once it’s taking the place of bonding in human relationships… yikes. That’s some poorly-written sci-fi area. This is basically a tiny machine to decode sounds that any parent is going to need to learn the language for anyway. It’s an outpouring of emotion meant for a caretaker to be on top of. Even if this machine is purchased, not paying attention to a child’s intonations and letting a robot take care of that area is so unhealthy. Also, this machine won’t be around all the time. Also, it's a bad idea.
And now it’s time to return to pacifiers that have orthodontic issues as a logical implication. Let’s just assume that seeing your baby with severe dental issues fits with your sense of humor. That could probably be satisfied with some Three Stooges but let’s just go with it. Why is it necessary for an infant to be so funny or to be the object of laughter? It’s a baby, let it grow in peace. Accessories meant to make a baby the center of attention are so bizarre. It’ll happen anyway because everyone notices a baby. Chill it.
This is a very elaborate looking device that happens to have some truly displeased (code for hilarious) Amazon reviews attached. One parent recalls a memorable bath time: "Where there is smoke… There is UH-OH… The 2-year-old is in the tub, and I am listening carefully as moms do. I hear the dreaded, ‘SMOKE… Mommy, SMOKE.’ Yes, this little number [had smoke coming out of it] while hanging on the side of the tub.” It’s almost what had to happen with a device that does such a manageable job for even just a jar of bath time bubbles.
Just because it’s a dumb product doesn’t mean we should make fun of the intentions behind the product. Some people just have bad ideas. For instance, the Kickbee wants to make a record of an unborn infant’s kicks and movements. Okay, that’s adorable. However, the idea of multiple people getting notifications for an event that a fully grown woman could and would easily inform them of… please save your money. It’s a very special event that will grow significantly less special once all your loved ones are receiving notifications every time it happens. It's one of the few cases where technology connecting us actually makes things worse. So skip it and indulge those gelato cravings with the same money.
The world of baby footwear is fraught with bad ideas, probably because the entire idea of baby footwear is a dumb idea. Let’s sit down and consider heels for babies... wow, that’s one way to time travel by just skipping all of childhood to get to womanhood. Is it worth it? No, of course not. There’s the argument that these are harmless because a baby this age can’t walk. What if they tried to take their first step in this? They’d absolutely fall. Also, here’s a hot take: this just isn’t cute enough. Actually, kind of weird.
Wow, it’s almost like we’ve travelled back in time to a few posts ago when we were discussing why new parents need to figure out what a baby’s cry means for their own. A caretaker should obviously be able to tell when their little one has had a movement without any technological help, but this differs from the nuance of a child’s cry because, like… this one smells. Really bad. You definitely should be able to tell without a diaper alarm. It doesn’t even take a parent to know when someone has had this kind of activity. It’s just very, extremely, humanly obvious.
It’s pretty safe to say that if an infant doesn’t need high heels, they absolutely don’t need niche footwear for a sport. I get it, a family is the biggest fan of soccer and/or football in the world. That’s so nice, I can only hope the appetizers at your soccer/football parties are terrific. Still not a good reason to put a child in cleats. It’s a waste of money but fine- that’s your money. Do with it what you will. But the safety risks… there’s other ways to be cute. This isn’t one of them.
Great, reinventing the wheel until it’s a flute for babies to drink out of. This is a deeply weird invention unless someone has lived their entire life wishing babies could celebrate New Years more easily. Otherwise… is this the best shape of bottle for babies to drink from? How many air bubbles accumulate in this kind of baby bottle? Fine, I haven’t considered that question for other shapes of baby bottles but this one is so weird that I had to. This just can’t be the best shape for any reason other than novelty. And infants don't appreciate novelty.
Oh boy, how can we reinvent the wheel and also make it super weird? How do we create something unnecessary but also more awkward than our ancestors could ever imagine? I have an idea, any industry based off of the idea of giving babies hair that only an adult could possibly have! Yeah, let’s just deny their natural appearance in favor of an eventual beauty standard! Let’s slow down. Why do babies need any hair at all? Sure, babies are born with idiosyncrasy. That’s the entire point. Not just of baby hair- of all of life. Any baby wearing a wig has much larger problems than anything to do with their scalp.
These products are easy to make fun of, but it's even better when someone who only wants them to work can't deny that they’re total nonsense. For instance, “I have to say that this pillow didn’t really amaze me. I think it made the nursing process more difficult for me. Regular pillows were much more effective because I was able to prop little one up higher and closer to me. This pillow has a tendency to make you lean and slouch while nursing, which equals major discomfort and improper form.” That’s the most delicate way of saying this is a waste of money.
There’s a reason you can’t see that male model’s face, it’s because this is an odd job he took and couldn’t believe paid money. Because it belongs to a product that should never exist. If you ever wanted to know what it looks like when a corporation tries to capitalize on a natural, unexpected moment… well, here’s the Daddle Saddle. As if any father wakes up their daughter for a highly planned day of piggy back rides. That’s never happened, it’s a natural moment that arises almost randomly. Not an accessory to be bought for multiple payments of however much money.
Ever wish your extremely dated aunts and uncles (and who knows how they’re related to this family - does anyone have proof they’re not just tenacious vagrants?) had some kind of point when they exclaimed a child should wear a helmet? No? Well here’s a baby helmet that also is reminiscent of some overpriced Disneyland souvnir! It’s more than you ever wanted, especially if you never wanted it! Anyway, if not enough baby boomers are making fun of your infant… here’s this thing. Who knows what it’s called but you can buy it- and that’s a promise.
Some seriously odd things can happen between a baby left unsupervised with technology… but this is simply enabling that kind of behavior. Here’s the thing, who in their right mind purchases this product and doesn’t foresee their tablet (or whatever the specific name of the model is) being cascaded in urine? Show me a scenario of regular use with this product that doesn’t involve that. No? Obviously, it doesn’t exist. It’s inevitable that this waste of cash becomes disabled, not just by any liquid… but by a specific liquid. It’s no one’s fault, except everyone involved with selling this.
Remember talking about reinventing the wheel? Part of that has to do with finding an issue where none exists. Let's say, totally randomly, a product known as baby knee pads. So babies have been crawling since… the beginning of time, right? Well, the beginning of primates. So before any of us need a specific year for. If it was an issue that Neanderthal babies needed knee pads… that would've been invented. It’s been a long time since then but I can assume Neanderthal mama’s would’ve spotted it. It’s almost like this product addresses a non-issue.
And now a deeply modern issue. Ever been exhausted by the process of integrating milk and chocolate syrup? No? What about shielding your child from that kind of agony? Still no? Of course you haven’t. Look, it’s no statement on whether or not a child should be drinking dairy milk besides their mother’s or whether they should have flavored milk. Totally regardless of that, there’s no reason for this product. It’s a chunk of plastic that never needed to happen. Please, please don’t enable this junk with financial approval. This dumb invention should recede into a plane of non existence again.
Does having a baby need to be an increasingly convenient situation for you to consider it? Well, for one thing, raising a child will never be convenient. It’s inherently a back-breaking, lifelong chore and no matter what products are sold to help… it’ll always be that. So never trust a product that claims to make parenthood more dignified. It’s weird and unnecessary and won’t work. Now we’ve got to hand’s free feeding, yeah, no. If it’s annoying to not play phone games while your newborn child feeds, then that’s fine. That’s ideal. That shouldn’t be convenient- it should be all encompassing to feed a completely dependent, helpless child.
Most of these products are useless but it’s seriously special for a product to be increasingly gross when you have time to think about it. Like, for instance, a toilet shaped like a suitcase. Let’s pretend this is a good idea for one moment. Is a child supposed to tote around this thing like it’s their briefcase? What profession does that make them? Even plumbers don’t carry around such stinky satchels. Let’s say this product is immediately washed out (probably by an adult, who’d be spared the chore if their child went in an actual toilet)- still so, very weird and upsetting.
Wow, speaking of things only adults have decided they need (but if we’re being realistic and overly practical, don’t). Let’s completely overlook how dangerous it is to overpower a child’s natural scent and what that communicates to their caretaker- whether that’s a used diaper or some kind of sickness. Let’s just dive deep into the adult realm of why perfume is necessary; what part of that does a baby require? They’re absolutely not attracting anyone so is the point just that a parent thinks a baby smells better? The only issue with that is, a baby will never smell better than now. So you’re in for a rude awakening once puberty strikes.