The tagline for collaborative parenting might as well be “fights well with others”. Now, this might be misperceived as a way to raise children to get what they always want or pursue arguments but take a second- no parent actually wants to raise their kid to be that big of a jerk. I mean, no rational parent. So, even if it’s a phrase that’s easily misunderstood, much like a lot of the philosophies behind collaborative parenting, it’s also a phrase worth unpacking. So let’s hunker down with the most common myths and misinterpretations of collaborative thinking. You may only agree with some of the ideas behind it, and that’s fine too. A parenting philosophy as flexible as this would definitely be fine with newcomers only choosing the ideas that really appeal to them after hearing it out. And if there’s nothing you like? That’s fine too, to each their own, and now you’ll a bit more educated when the subject comes up. Hearing out a different perspective and totally disagreeing with it respectfully is also, ironically, very collaborative parenting-y. But that’s not the point. Let’s get into what collaborative parenting isn’t.

20 There Are No Rules

The most common concern for parents new to the idea of collaborative parenting is that it’s a straight path to spoiling their child. Doesn’t all this lead to a totally wild household? Not necessarily. Rules are more likely to be followed and less disastrously enforced when they’re agreed upon by both sides. That doesn’t mean the child has the last say in this – they can be given a structured choice when it comes to agreeing on rules. A common example in collaborative parenting is “apple juice or milk?” as opposed to asking your child what they want to drink and leaving it open-ended. This can also be applied to rule-making.

19 "No" Is A Dirty Word

So the “juice or milk” version of making rules could be, "do you want to play for five minutes and go to sleep with no story, or stop playing now and still have story time?" Or, "do you want to walk the dog every day and not have to feed them, or only walk them weekends but be responsible for feeding time?" Now, these are arbitrary examples that obviously have to do with drastically different age groups but the point is that rules can be the result of negotiation where the parent strategically keeps the upper hand while respecting their child’s input.

18 There Are No Punishments

The logical trajectory of a parenting philosophy perceived as having no rules is that there’d be no punishments either. Not so. First off, collaborative parenting aims to get to the bottom of a behavior’s roots. So did an older sister cover their younger sibling’s mouth so they could keep talking because they’re immensely rude? Or did they want to finish their thought because they’ll forget if they’re interrupted? So going forward, instead of a timeout to right this perceived rudeness, a child can be helped with advice on ways to remember their train of thought and the younger sibling can be talked to about not interrupting.

17 "Solutions" Are Another Word For Letting The Kid Get Their Way

Parents mistrust compromises, and on totally reasonable grounds. In an eery replica of the plot of “If You Give A Moose A Muffin”, giving in to one demand can soon lead to total chaos. Or so it feels. Really, what you can do is go in with a plan for what points you’ll compromise on because fear-based parenting is a dated method that simply isn’t effective in raising self-regulating adults. Your child will find a greater satisfaction in reaching a compromise where they and the parent are both happy than feeling like they “got one over” on a disgruntled parent.

16 The Motives Behind Behavior Don't Matter

If it’s a rude or disobedient behavior than it’s a rude or disobedient child, right? Not so. Even if you’re embarrassed in public, take a deep breath. Especially at a young age, what can be perceived as poor behavior might be your child asking for help because they don’t know a more direct way. A rowdy child might be acting up because they’re “a bad apple” but it also might be as simple a solution as feeding them because they're hungry. You simply can’t know unless you talk to the child to discern why they’re doing what they’re doing.

15 You Shouldn't Negotiate With "Terrorists"

This is a commonly used, deeply flawed saying amongst some parents. For one thing, it’s hurtful to your children who are usually expressing their needs and aren’t trying to terrorize you. However, for another thing, it assumes your children have malicious intent when that’s simply not the case. Sure, children’s requests might feel as overwhelming as a list of demands from hijackers but your child’s needs come from a place of requiring comfort and love. Once you start thinking of parenting in terms of rigidity and not giving in to an enemy, you’re setting your child up as the enemy and implanting an unnecessary divide between the two of you.

14 You Can't Be Effective And Empathetic

Fine, so in some dream world, we all have the time for incessant heart-to-hearts about why a child did what they did. That’s a nice dream but what about getting all the chores done and getting everyone to school or work on time? A tower of dirty dishes makes this little fantasy a whole lot less peaceful. The two can coexist. Children crave structure and a clear conversation about acceptable behavior (especially if it’s explained and children don’t feel like they’re just subjected to random, nonsensical rules) can remain in their minds for long periods of time, making for a smoother daily routine.

13 Choices Can't Be Another Way For A Parent To Guide Life

The older way of looking at parenting is that your child is as good a kid as they are at following your demands and if they don’t do what you say, they’re bad kids. Now, this might be a relevant way of assessing how well a dog is trained but that’s (hopefully) not what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to raise a human being who can make choices in their own life when you’re no longer there. The point is that through structured choices (“apple juice or milk” applied to other situations), a parent can retain control while allowing their child more room to explore and make mistakes in a safe environment.

12 The Illusion Of Choice doesn't Make Kids Do What You Want Them To Do

Young children are infamously difficult to please – there’s been many a tantrum with absolutely no logical explanation or due to some uncontrollable fact of nature. So, let’s keep in mind that logic and reason are another muscle children are learning to express and exercise as they grow up. It’s that reason that a child might lash out at a decision that’s been forced on them, even if it’s in their best interest. It’s also the reason that a child given two less-than-ideal choices (as in, chores over playtime) will cooperate with one so long as they feel that they’ve had a say in it.

11 You'll Get Nothing Done

Really, collaborative parenting has more to do with that age-old saying about teaching a man to fish versus fishing for him. There doesn’t have to be any fishing involved because what you’re doing is implementing life skills and emotional intelligence in your child so that they can go into a world, presumably populated by people who won’t see things exactly as they do, and find the middle ground. Sure, it took the man longer to teach someone else how to fish than it did to just catch the fish but does that mean he didn’t get anything done? Of course not. 

10 There's A Right Way And A Wrong Way

The collaboration in collaborative parenting doesn’t just have to do with teaming up with your children, it’s also a matter of parents working to find common ground. Similar to laying down a rule that your child doesn’t understand and their subsequent resent, a differing parenting philosophy with no explanation or communication can feel unfair. However, with collaborative parenting, the parents can mend their relationship by taking the time to understand the other person’s perspective and find a compromise. Just like you make rules that have objectives and reasons behind them, it’s most likely your partner creates rules that come from a place of caring and have a purpose.

9 Parents With Different Parenting Styles Are Bound To Argue

Two people who love each other deeply can feel pitted against each other if they feel undermined by one’s lack of need for structure or the other’s spontaneity. Aren’t they just doomed to decades of bickering until the kids are adults if they stay together that long? Not necessarily. Different parenting styles can co-exist in a family if only because that’s what every family is- no two parents have exactly the same parenting philosophy and they’re bound to disagree on some issue eventually. So it’s only logical then that there has to be a common ground between two people who both want the best for their children, even if they take different approaches.

8 At Best, Different Parenting Styles Can Be Tolerated

The issue with the style of parenting that comes down to talking at children rather than talking to them is it doesn’t respect issues arising from differing perspectives. So while it’s more likely that older children will come into situations with different perspectives than very young children, it’s also applicable to the adults. Collaborative parenting boils down to choices within boundaries – parents can decide on those choices and those boundaries together. Sure, they might not agree on the same choice if they were given the decision but if parents can work together to build the spectrum their child can choose from than both parenting methods can be heard and respected.

7 Rules Can't Be Compromises Between Parents

What feels like a disagreement that simply can’t be bridged might not be. For one thing, parents can sit down and talk about what they want out of rules or what their major concerns are. Also, the things they simply can’t give up. You’d be amazed at how often those major concerns can be melded into a hybrid conclusion so much better than the original two halves. Or, it might turn out that parents were seeing the same rule as a means to achieve a different end and that there are minor elements that can be cut down without any party feeling slighted.

6 Rules And Consequences Have To Be Negative

The drill sergeant style of parenting mandates that rules be negative mandates forced upon children and disobeying those leads to punishments that are even more negative versions of those rules. A punishment doesn’t have to force out a disingenuous apology or mandate a random consequence, it can be the natural consequence of behavior so that a child learns their behavior does have unavoidable results. Sure, the consequence may still be negative but pointing out the cause and effect (rather than randomness enforced by the parent) will teach the child to naturally avoid the behavior rather than know they shouldn’t do it but not why.

5 Rules Can't Be Fun

Rules are often seen as limitations by children, leading to a mentality of wanting to disobey them for fun when there's the chance to but being forced to follow. However, rules can serve a positive function while laying out objectives that are realistic and achievable. Rules can serve as a family-bonding routine, like that breakfast and dinner be eaten together or enforcing a regular time for bed. Also, that these rules are open for discussion at Family Meetings where everyone can weigh in. This element of mutual agreement makes a family a more cohesive unit that lives by agreed-upon rules.

4 Kids Don't Get A Say In Rules Despite Growing Older

As children grow older, not only will they have a more educated input (and some creative ideas) but the needs of the household will change. It only makes sense that if a rule is flexible and aimed to further the good of the household (as opposed to being a rule for rule's sake) that they also be flexibly enforced and open to adjustments as time passes. It makes sense for parents to draft the rules when children are young, but once children become young adults and pre-teens, this feels like an insult to their intelligence and like they’re not acknowledged by parents.

3 Rules Have To Be Enforced Rigidly

If rules are made too rigidly, it only makes sense that they be enforced with the same rigidity (or the child will spot “a way out” and capitalize on that and then their behavior will spiral out of control). However, there’s always context and intentions to consider going into a conversation. Many times, when a child is treated respectfully and talked to, they may have ideas about their punishment as far as what’s fair and appropriate. While the final say is with the parent, this is a much more valuable display of conscious than whatever benefits come from doing what they’re told.

2 One Parent Has More Important Values Than The Other

In particular, when fueled by frustration and anger, it’s easy to feel like your partner is “crazy” or what they want matters less than what you want. What’s really needed is a conversation about past experiences that inform your parenting philosophies and an honest appraisal of the differences in parenting philosophies. Not only will a list of these differences help, they can then be assessed as what would take minor changes to remedy and what requires major changes. The feeling that even a minor change has been considered and treated respectfully can have huge benefits for a partner craving understanding and respect.

1 A Family Shouldn't Be A Democracy

This is a common notion for some parents: my house isn’t a democracy, it’s a dictatorship. Not only is that a saying sure to boil any child’s blood, it doesn’t necessarily have to be true. Or it’s not necessarily the best way. Now, democracy is a mess and this isn’t to say the children should have as much of a say as the adults. However, a family can resemble a republic more than a classic democracy with a level of discussion and then, decisions made my “elected officials”, AKA the parents. That doesn’t have to open up a slippery slope – everything in moderation.

References: purewow.com, aipc.net.au