Kids say the darndest things, right?! Whether someone is a parent to a child or has merely spent a lot of time hanging out with a kid, then it's common knowledge that kids can say the craziest things. These little humans have no filter or sense of what’s appropriate to say and when. If something’s on their mind or they’re wondering about something, then they’re going to let you know. And you better have an answer for them, because they’re not going to stop talking about it until you do.
These parents share all the times their kids said something outrageous, and how they had to scramble to think of a reply- and most of their responses were funnier than the original questions! From kids asking cringe-worth questions, to making blush-inducing observances, sometimes you wish your kids would just put a lid on it. If one thing is for sure, you're about to read a bunch of witty answers to shut your kid up the next time they say something off-color in public. Better than letting things get extra awkward!
What story are you the most surprised by? Make sure to let us know in the comments which response you think is the most hilarious, and the funny things you’ve told your kids in the heat of the moment.
20 He Joined The Circus
Leslie* came up with one of the most elaborate excuses to explain why her daughter’s father wasn’t involved in her life.
“I will never tell my daughter she’s the result of a one-night stand. But it’s getting even harder trying to keep the truth from her.
The last time she asked me where her dad was, I lied and said he travels with the circus (since it was always my dream to have a clown as a dad). And once the circus came to town, I had to think of a lie as to why he wasn’t with that circus.
The truth is, I don’t know where her dad even is.”
19 Just Like Growing Vegetables
Carla* had a hilarious time explaining to her toddlers where babies came from -- let’s just say she made babies sound a whole lot more like vegetables than humans. But she gets an A+ for creativity!
“My daughter had a Cabbage Patch doll when she was around 3 and was obsessed with it. One day she naturally asked me where babies came from.
I gave her an honest answer- where Cabbage Patch babies come from, duh. They grow up from the ground like vegetables. I think she got freaked out because she stopped playing outside in the grass for a few weeks.”
18 The Animal Kingdom
Naomi* came up with a laughable excuse as to what her daughter was hearing coming from the spare bedroom when they had guests over. Luckily, her daughter seemed to believe her!
“When my sister and her new boyfriend visited from out of town, my daughter was kept up all night by them getting busy in the spare bedroom. She didn’t know what they were doing, so she asked me the next morning.
Mortified and unable to tell my 7-year old the real reason, I said they were pretending to be animals. For some reason, she was okay with that answer and didn’t ask about it again!”
17 Santa Is On Speed Dial
Margaret* had enough of her toddler’s temper tantrum, so she told him that she was almost ready to call Santa if he didn’t smarten up. And the threat worked!
“My son was the worst when he hit the terrible threes, never listening to me and always just yelling ‘no.’ One day he actually asked me why he should listen and I had the perfect response!
I told him I had Santa on speed dial and would call him to say that my son was acting up, so he’d get coal and not presents for Christmas. That actually got him to listen for once!”
16 Babies ‘R’ Us
Vicky* hilariously said to her son that parents get to choose their babies at the hospital, sort of like a store. Too bad she didn’t think of how tough it would be to explain the truth when their family found out they were expecting another baby.
“My son was four when he first asked where babies come from. I lied and told him parents go to the hospital to pick out the baby they want (sort of like going to a toy store), and then take it home. We had the hardest time telling him he couldn’t come choose his baby sister when we got pregnant with no. 2.”
15 A Material Girl
Rachel* awkwardly had to explain to her daughter what a street worker was without actually explaining the real meaning. Thank goodness she was a quick thinker!
“There was a documentary on TV talking about a certain adult street profession. When my 3-year old daughter saw one of the ladies on the screen in a skimpy outfit and tons of makeup, she asked what type of party she was going to.
I totally didn’t know how to respond, so I said she was going to a costume party. When my daughter asked what her costume was, I told her she was trying to look like Madonna.”
14 A Trip To The Spa
Lance* had to come up with an elaborate explanation when his son began asking what it meant to get their dog fixed.
“Our son was confused when we were getting our dog neutered, and for some reason got it in his head that the dog wouldn’t survive. He was hysterically crying while we were trying to get everyone in the car.
To make him stop, I told him that dogs getting neutered is just like when humans get massages, peaceful and relaxing. So now every time mom is going to the spa, he replies by telling her to have a nice time getting neutered.”
13 He Sees You When You’re Sleeping
Anica’s* daughter was confused why every Santa Claus is different, so she had to come up with a conspiracy to explain this plot hole away.
“When my daughter was 7, she eventually caught on that all the Santas in the malls and at events aren’t the same guy.
When she asked me why, I came up with a hilarious story about how Santa has spies everywhere to make sure that kids are being good. Regular dads volunteer to do the job every year to take the workload off of Santa.”
12 Nothing Here To Fix
Sarah* had to scramble to come up with a response when her son tried talking about her chest in public.
“My son must have overheard me talking to my husband about the recent augmentation I got after we had our third and final child. He then thought it would be funny to ask ‘Why did you have to fix your boobs?’ while we were going through the check-out at the grocery store.
I was panicked and didn’t know how to responds, so I quickly said, ‘you’ and pushed the cart towards the door. I mean, breastfeeding was the real reason, so I wasn’t technically lying to him…”
11 Not Your Real Family
Jenelle* decided to have some fun with her daughter when she was asked why her eldest doesn’t take after her.
“I have three girls. My younger two look exactly like me, whereas my older one takes more after her dad. One day she randomly asked me why she doesn’t look like me.
I decided to have some fun rather than explain to her how genetics work. I told her with a serious face that it’s because she was adopted. She believed it the entire day until I finally told her I was lying at dinner. Maybe that was too mean to say to my daughter…”
10 Looking Through The Webcam
Willow* had a hilarious time explaining how Santa is always able to tell if you’ve been good or naughty. Luckily, her daughter took it as fact- well, a scary one that is!
“You know that Christmas song that says Santa sees you when you’re sleeping and when you’re awake? My daughter got super freaked out by the song and demanded to know how that could be true.
I quickly came up with a lie that Santa is in the webcam. That he can see her even when mom and dad aren’t around.
You should have seen her face!”
9 Girls Rule, Boys Drool
Brittany* wasn’t expecting to have this much difficulty in explaining the difference between girls and boys.
“My 4-year-old and 2-year-old daughters one day started debating what the difference between girls and boys were. My youngest said there was no difference, but the older one was then asking why we have separate bathrooms.
Not wanting to explain the different structure of girls and boys, I simply said it was because boys can go to the bathroom standing up. That confused my girls even more, to which I had to explain how boys are like dogs and just need to lift their legs up. I didn’t realize how dumb that sounded until I repeated it now.”
8 Old Work Buddies
Calista* came up with a hilarious excuse as to why her son’s father was dressed up like Santa Claus.
“My husband dressed up as Santa last year at our family party to hand out presents to the kids. But our 4-year old son recognized it was his dad and pulled his beard off.
He then became hysterical, demanding to know why Daddy was Santa and where the real one was.
He was ruining the magic for his little cousins, so I had to think of something quick. I said Daddy used to work with Santa and was helping him out this one time. When my son pressed more, I eventually said he had an internship with Santa when he was in college, and now they go for beers once a year.”
7 Up Late Working
Tasha* found herself in an awkward position when her son wanted to know about the new woman who his father was seeing.
“When my husband and I got divorced, he moved in with the woman he’d been seeing right away. He didn’t try to hide anything from our kids, so I wasn’t surprised when my son asked why that lady sleeps in Daddy’s room at night.
I didn’t want to be the one to explain to our 5-year old that Daddy has a new girlfriend. So I lied and said it was his co-worker and they have to do work stuff together late at night. I mean, she was his co-worker, so it wasn’t that much of a lie.”
6 Blame The Candy
Everly* must have been mortified when her son pointed out her weight gain in public. Rather than letting her embarrassment show, this mama turned it into an opportunity for a lesson and told him this is the result of eating too much candy.
“We were out in public and my son decided to ask why I was ‘so fat.’ I didn’t want to explain that this was the result of birthing 4 kids. So instead I told him this is what happens when you eat too much candy. He wouldn’t touch his Halloween candy for a week!”
5 It’s The Cheetos That’ll Do It
Monica* used a cringey situation to tell her toddlers about the dangers of eating one too many cheezies.
“I have a 16-year old and a 2-year old. One day my eldest came stumbling home from a party and she was had clearly had too much to drink (we were horrified!). As we were trying to take care of her, my 2-year old gets out of bed and asks why her sister is acting like a ‘weirdo.’
Obviously, we couldn’t tell her the truth. So I fibbed and said she had eaten one too many Cheetos and was now feeling odd, kind of like a sugar high. It must have made sense because the toddler went right back to sleep.”
4 I Spy With My Little Eye
Noreen* tried to scare her son into behaving safely on the Internet by convincing him spies were lurking about.
“We were trying to teach our son about Internet safety when he was 8 and able to play on it by himself.
But he couldn’t understand why it’s unsafe to talk to strangers… He kept saying not to judge a book by its cover, so cute!
So, to make him afraid to talk to anyone online, we lied and said parents have spies over the Internet who rat out kids who don’t listen to their parents. We told him we’d know if he went on any sites he wasn’t allowed to or talked to anyone he didn’t know.
He believed it for all of 2 months before his big brother said we were full of it.”
If only it was that easy to prevent your kids from eating candy normally!
3 Duck’s The Word
Shiloh* had to get creative when she was trying to explain to her son what a bad word meant.
“I was out grocery shopping with my son once, and two women were fighting outside the store. We heard one lady say ‘F U’ to the other lady, something my son hadn’t heard before.
As soon as we get inside, he starts repeating the phrases word-for-word and asking what it meant. I was so worried that people would hear him cussing, I told him he heard it wrong and the lady actually said ‘duck you,’ and was calling the lady a duck as an insult.
My son’s new favorite thing is to tell people they’re a duck.”
2 That’s Not What We Meant
It sounds like Charlotte* regrets convincing her youngest daughter that ‘period’ was another word for a cellphone. Good luck to her trying to explain the truth!
“When my 12-year old got her period, her younger sister overheard us talking to her about it and of course asked what a period was. We weren’t prepared to have that talk with another one of our kids just yet, so I told her period was another word for a cell phone (since we’d gotten her sister one the week before).
Now she keeps asking when she’s going to get her period… without knowing what it really means!”
1 Put Down The Game
Julie* and her husband made it seem like video games were the reason he flunked high school, just so their son would never find out the truth.
“My son found out my husband failed high school in the 11thgrade (he was mixed up in a bad crowd and going through a rough time). We didn’t want to give our son the real version of what happened, so my husband made this sappy tale about how video games distracted him and caused him to fail all his classes.
Of course, that’s a total lie… we only said it because my son has been too interested in his games and not enough into other stuff.”
*Names have been changed.